Friday, October 23, 2015

Goosebumps..

I've always been a fan of the Horror genre

Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Peter Straub and the like will always remain among my favorite books.I stumbled on a very interesting Nigerian site a while back : thenakedconvos.com and they run this very interesting series on Nigerian horror stories to commemorate Halloween.

I know i'm not supposed to but I've lifted one of the stories for your enjoyment. Absolute full credit to the original writer of the article @Titaenium on "The Naked Convos".

It's an awesome read. Enjoy


Udu
“Move your feet, prostitute!”
 Akweke stood still, tears running down her cheeks. The child in her arms shuddered and cooed in his sleep and the forest before her stood black and still as the bottom of a burnt clay pot. The men behind her were aflame with anger and deep disgust. They screamed and spat at her to walk into the dead blackness. She stood still.
Dry papery palms grab her breasts in the dark.
“Papa, what are you doing?!”
Thick snakes of fear writhed in her stomach and denied her access to her limbs. Tales flashed through her mind; of people who had run mad just from standing too close to Obioji, of the screams that soared across the skies at midnight, of loose women driven into the darkness by the wet flower between their thighs. She shuddered along with her three day old baby who was wrapped in most of her own clothing; she had left herself a tiny lappa to preserve her already crumbling dignity. Pale unwashed skin the color of ripe egusi gleamed in the dusky evening light, she could feel two of the three men behind her back lick their lips lasciviously at the sight of her firm breasts. She could also feel the cold stare of the dibia, Anyabali; the one whose words could make her to go into the dark.  She turned around and gazed into his soulless black eyes, holding on tighter to her child.
“Please”
His face remained expressionless beneath the slashes of white war paint and palm oil, the bull skull  atop his head seemed to mock her with its protruding dentition. Wrinkled and bent like the proverbial crayfish at ninety-nine years of age, Anyabali’s glare was as potent as a snake bite. His eyes roved from the top of her head, crowned with four large knots of hair, down to her scratched and bleeding feet.
“Throw the child”
One of the large men flanking the dibia sprang into motion before Akweke could put context into his words.  Her child was  grabbed from her arms and flung into the forest. Her scream shredded the air with its pain. Her shocked mind tried to choose between crumbling to the floor in sobs and running into the dark towards her son, but the decision was made for her already. She felt rough hands lift her and push her through the veil, into the forest.
He thrusts into her forcefully, pain and forbidden pleasure blossom between her thighs.
The darkness was blinding and deafening. There were no crickets in Obioji, nothing dared to live here in the stale, dead air.  Akweke lay in the soft earth, fear and panic attempting to drive her brain to madness. Through the deafening silence came the soft cry of a baby; rising and falling gently, interrupted by the occasional hitch of breath.  She rose to her feet, bruised breasts tingling in the cold forest air. Walking with unsteady feet and blind eyes, she staggered forward. The baby was still crying softly, when another cry began behind her.
Akweke stopped.
Four months later, her belly is distended with an abomination. The Elders ask questions she can’t answer.
“Tell us who the father of your child is or we will throw you into The Darkness”
She clutches her belly and stares into nothing.
Her calm shattered and she stood still, the cries of both babies ringing through the unnaturally still air, her heart beat pulsed through her head making her eyes water. As both wails rose in volume, her skin began to crawl. She took a deep breath and stepped forward.
A third cry began.
This one was hysterical, not soft and lazy like the other two, she knew that cry.
Her son.
All her defenses crumbled.
She ran towards the crying child, feet sticking repeatedly in the soggy earth. She fell three steps into her run and tumbled, brushing her side hard against a tree in her blindness and falling into the ground.
The head of the midwife is between her thighs as she pushes. Sweat rolls off her body in rivers. The child is coming.
The dibia stands right in front of her, illuminated by flickering palm oil flames, waiting to take her away.
Akweke lay still in the pit, defeated. The cries had stopped.  She stared at where the sky was meant be and tears flowed down her cheeks, her cries caught in her throat when she felt something furry brush against her leg, she shot up into a sitting position and the smell hit her.
The stench of rotten flesh.
It crawled up her nose and filled her belly.
Akweke retched, her empty belly convulsing with agonizing fury.
She was sitting in what seemed to be large pieces of raw meat, wet and clammy against her back. She shot to her feet with a yelp. Her eyes had finally adjusted to the light and she saw the babies.
All dead.
All rotting.
Eyes chewed out by the rats that slinked through the holes in their chests and entered mouths. The stench moved again.
All thought fled from her mind and she let out a series of lung-bursting screams.  She was shut up when her feet slipped out from beneath her and she fell deeper into the pit. Bones poked at her bare back and an unknown fluid shot into her left eye. Maggots crawled against the back of her legs, and across her stomach and she could feel them in her scalp and between her thighs. She made one last attempt to rise out of the shallow grave when they all started crying.
She hears her child cry and then he is brought to her. Tears escape her eyes.
He is beautiful and he is hers.
The perfect taboo.
The sound made her chest clench and more tears fell from her eyes. Their cry rose through the darkness. The red sound of fear.
As she struggled to find her footing within the bones and flesh and earth, a bulb of light rose from the mouth of an eyeless child beneath her feet. It hovered in front of her eyes, bouncing silkily, softly and then it suddenly flung itself into Akweke’s chest.
The cold prevented her from screaming. She gasped one hand on the edge of the pit and the other above her heart. She could feel it wriggle its way up her chest.
“Please”. She whispered for the second time that day. And for the second time, no one listened. The ninety nine ghost babies rose out of decaying bodies; shimmering balls of cold light. They all hovered around Akweke lighting her yellow skin with the cadence of death, her lappa was gone and she stood naked as the day she was born, covered in scars and dead blood. She was still retching as the first light made its way up to her head, when it got there she let out a silent scream as the icy hand of Death gripped her soul. The other ghosts surged forward, sinking beneath her skin, taking her body as theirs and chasing her consciousness to exile.
Anyabali sat in the total darkness of his round hut. Tendrils of smoke from the freshly-blown out lamp still hung in the air. He could smell them.  Ani was also around;  the metallic stink of blood that always accompanied her hung thick in the air. He was as tense as the air that surrounded him, but he waited patiently. He had done everything he was asked after all; sent out all the masked men to rape all those unsuspecting young women, spoken for Ani that the women should be sent into Obioji, had the babies thrown specifically into a pit filled with Ani’s essence, all one hundred of them. He had even performed the final taboo.
He sat, ready to become immortal as Ani had promised.
A hundred children for an eternity amongst men.
Ani finally slammed into him, filling his senses. Lightning crackled across his skin as hot blood surged into him from beyond. His back cracked audibly and he straightened. His milky vision opened up and he saw her as he crested and found permanent youth. He stood to his feet, full of power.
Akweke was glowing like she had been lit from within by moonlight, her eyes were dark caverns. When she opened her mouth and the air shuddered with a hundred cries, Ani fled faster than the Orimili river.
“Spineless murderer.”
She lifted her hand and all of his youth came flying from his body into her palm in wispy red streams. His back bent and his skin turned dryer than ash. He fell to his knees as fear shot through his being, he looked up to plead and she opened her mouth wide.
The wail of a hundred newborns filled the hut and flowed into his brain like a million fire ants. Gnawing at his mind and stinging his being and cutting open his very soul with red hot teeth.
He screamed, and screamed, and screamed as spittle and blood poured from his mouth and nostrils. The crying suddenly stopped and he felt himself levitate into the air. His red cloth toga fell off and he was naked as his day of birth.
He looked at her through cloudy eyes and pounding head. She kept glowing. A pulsing light that chilled his bones. Then all of a sudden, the ghost babies came out of her and began to tear him apart.
They ran across his skin like fluorescent mice, ripping it apart with dead teeth. They broke his arms and ate his eyes, they entered his mouth and burst forth from his belly, spraying the still Akweke with blood.
And through it all he screamed as he felt every bit of flesh rip and tear. When he died they let his remains fall to the ground with a wet thunk. Swimming on air, they returned into their vessel.
All but one.
Her own.
She grabbed him from the air, cradled him to her breasts and named him “Nzoputa”.
A child born of a dibia’s seed.
The dibia, her  father.
Then she walked back into the Darkness where she roams.
A vessel for lost souls.
An udu 

Counting Blessings...

It's the weekend peeps, and instead of the usual "no money","Dear God,bless my hustle" rants, i just want to thank God for the job i have.

I don't know about you, but i'm a very loyal person when it comes to work. It's difficult for me not to put in my very best wherever i find myself working.

It's how we were all raised and it has always paid off.

Anyway, i started working for Visafone Communications Limited immediately after my Youth service and suffice to say, those were the years of toil where majority of my time and efforts went into. Believe me , it wasn't easy.
Of course, we were all still on the lookout for better opportunities but i ensured i gave it my all. My Boss, ahh....the formidable Lynda Amechi was one of those bosses who put you through the wringer to ensure that the job gets done and boy o boy, was she a tough cookie.

After a while,we were managing about 81 shops across the country and believe me, that was no mean feat. Then comes the rude awakening, after about six years of this, the company decides to gradually fold up and majority of the staff are given the boot. yours truly included.

To be honest, it wasn't really a rude awakening, it was something that we all saw coming a mile off but we still threw our backs in to try and save the situation. Mistake number 1.
With hindsight now, i should have re-doubled my efforts then at getting a better job rather than wait till it all came crumbling down.

I was left without a job for about three months but fortunately for me, i was blessed to get this job with NairaBET soon after. The story of how it happened is one to still muse over months later.
I got two notices about the position a day before the interview- One from my big brother Nnamdi and another from an old friend Collins.
I went for it and after having series of tests and interviews with various people the next day, as well as slugging it out with about a hundred other applicants, i was offered the job! It was kind of anti climactic as even though there were so many people there that day, something just told me the job was mine. Yeah..i was that confident.

Anyway, as light is different from darkness, that's how different this job is. To put it a bit clearly, i'm becoming terribly spoilt here. After the killer pressure, high octane lifestyle of Visafone, this is kind of well...laid back...but at the same time, very challenging as well.

My boss now is a woman as well but she's the polar opposite of Lynda. She's basically given me a free hand to run my department but still oversees generally. She's not a bothersome boss but is very firm when it comes to how the business is run.

Its really a blessing.

The only issue is it doesn't pay as well as Visafone and so before i start moaning about my broke status and begging the Almighty to bless my hustle, let me just end this post.

Cheers people. TGIF.





Friday, October 16, 2015

TGIF?

I've come across so many memes and vines celebrating friday as the best day of the week. I guess it is, considering the fact that over here, we're a country of work hating, fun loving individuals.

But for me,i don't know.

There's this expectancy for Friday to be the "turn up" day and everybody is so focused on letting their hair down, why do i get this depressing feeling after work when i literally don't know what to do with myself??

To make matters worse, growing older is a bitch!!
You start getting all responsible, start worrying seriously about the future, spend less time thinking of fun, grow grey hairs over lack of money...

If i'm to be completely honest with myself, it's this last point that is the crux of the matter. It's not as if there are no places to go to or fun things to do, it's just that all these things will require frivolous parting with some serious cash which unfortunately at the moment,i am not inclined to do.

It's just my nature. When i think of going to a Karaoke bar and spending 3k on drinks (6-10k if i go with a normal babe, 10-15k if she's an "owu"), my frugal minion reminds me that there is no fuel in my car and generator. When i consider stopping by the mall by myself or with a date, the thought of blowing about 10k away on different stuff makes my accountant minion shiver, then remind me in no nonsense terms that there will be roughly about 4k in my entire bank balance when i'm through. I could pass a boutique and see nice shirts going for 9.5k, Jeans, shoes and the like but my Igbo blood revolts and urges me to find time and visit Oshodi some other time.

It's crazy. I'm at the point where i should be able to relax after a long week at work and make fun plans for the weekend, close my eyes and fork out the funds to make this happen but instead i'm worrying about how to repay my darlings Ugo and Peace for the money i had to borrow and thinking of how to make 1k last the whole weekend.*sigh*.

It's another friday evening after work now and to add to the whole palava, i no know who send me go promise one babe say i go take am out for dinner....i was feeling over chivalrous and now she's been calling to make good on my promise.Me wey i hold only 1k for hand? No wahala...i'll wangle my way out of it and make her indomie and egg at home jare. No time.

Dear Lord, please bless my hustle very soon. Amen.


Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Huh? What was i saying?

Its worrying o...

The rate at which i'm starting to forget things is really bugging me. I can't tell whether it's just me being absent minded or something a bit more serious...

I might be in the middle of doing something, my mind wanders and i jolt back after a while to remember that i was doing something else.., or i might walk into a room and totally forget what i came in for. I know the latter happens to most people but the regularity with me is scary.

What brings all this up is some crazy drama that happened to me last week.

Ok, so a colleague and i were driving back home after work on thursday and we get stuck in traffic. There's this bad accident causing traffic on the opposite side of the road, so i bring out my phone and tweet to gidi traffic.....it's re-tweeted a couple of minutes later and i drop my phone back and concentrate on the traffic.

We get home after a while, i park Susie and we go in the house. After about 30 minutes or so, i notice that my phone is not with me. I've mainly been in the house,lying on the sofa watching TV so i ransack the couch....its not there. I widen the grid, check the living room, my bed room, the kitchen and yes, even the toilet..No phone.

Now, you have to note that i currently have an Ogbanje Blackberry phone whose battery is worse than Houdini...Here one minute, gone the next. (It's so bad that if i use the flash on the camera, the whole phone trips off) so it's a certainty that the battery is switched off which i further confirm by trying to call.

I remember clearly that i had it in the car, so i go out and practically molest Susie, checking every one of her crevices,corners,cubbyholes, pockets and hidden places....no dice. I'm getting worried because this is clearly NOT funny and so the search continues throughout that evening. One terrible minion is throwing up different crazy suggestions .....
- My colleague Peace, is with it and hiding it
-It was snatched in traffic and we didn't notice (not unheard of in Lagos)
-I dropped it somewhere outside the house etc etc...

It's getting late, so i go to bed moody and very very irritated. The next day is no better as the ultimate search continued with no success. Car, house, friends, workplace and compound have been checked with no success. So friday goes by without my main phone and i've totally resigned myself to the fact that i may have to start the crazy process of retrieving my line and getting a new phone.

Saturday comes and since i've made peace with my situation, i head off to the mainland to spend the weekend.

The sun that fateful day is a scorcher!!. I have this terrible idea to use Ikorodu road assuming in my wildest dreams that there would be no traffic. Dream on!!...There's terrible hold-up from Costain all the way to the Stadium and Susie is in one of her bad mood swings(probably pissed off from all the earlier molestation) and giving me issues with her brake pads(or possibly having her period since the problem is from her pads).

I'm stuck in traffic, sweating and after a turn in the road, i'm directly facing the scorching sunrays.....so i ignore Susie and crank up the AC, then as soon as i reach up and flip down the Sun visor....Ladies and Gentlemen, the stupid phone which i've been looking for, drops on my head.

I'm so relieved/confused/annoyed/irritated with myself that right in the middle of traffic, i burst out laughing!!! Laughed for about a full minute before i get the urge to strangle myself.

Apparently, it never occurred to me to check the visor...what could the phone have been doing there anyway???  i suddenly remember that after tweeting in traffic on thursday, we bought a bottle of water which i put in the cupholder beside the driver and since i didn't want to drop the phone anywhere near water in the car, i absentmindedly raised my hand and slipped it between the visor.

Goodness. Old Age o!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Of smoke, cobwebs and squirrels in the yard

Hi Guys,

I was fortunate enough to visit my hometown in Imo state last week thursday. It was a rather spur of the minute trip which in my usual organized-chaos manner, i just woke up on wednesday and decided to travel the next day seeing as it was a holiday and spend the weekend with the folks.

It was a good way to surprise everyone back home and it worked out just as planned.

Got a 2 day casual leave from the office and set off on thursday. The trip was quite uneventful and my long standing record of terrible seating partners remained unbroken. This time it was a young mother with BO and a fussing son who couldn't stop farting in the air conditioned bus!.

Got to Owerri and while in a cab back home, i called my mum and started gisting with her. She, assuming i was still in Lagos, was asking about everyone over there and the look on her face when the cab pulled up at the house was absolutely priceless!!!

Ahhh...village life.

There are many impressions you get from village life. The air is different, the soil is different, the people look different (seriously),the houses are so different,

Once there, you can't miss this pleasant smell of wood-smoke which permeates the air and i don't know about you but once i catch a whiff of it, it just makes me want to get down and do primitive things...lol...
Mom's kitchen is not your usual village one, seeing as the house was modernized a couple of years but true to form, she's erected a shed nearby where firewood and soot still rule...it's  not exactly environmentally friendly but its extra quick, suited to the clime, convenient and gets the job done. Plus, it gives food this lovely woody aroma which anyone that cooks with firewood can testify to.

Downside is that the prolonged exposure to the smell of smoke will make it stick. Trust me, like good perfume, its only good in small doses. You don't want to be a walking advert for eau le smoke.


Its an easy lifestyle and it feels good to wake up in the morning to chirping, croaking and strange bird calls(there's this one i like so much...it goes...tu-tu tu-tu tuuu-tuuu). Imagine a scenario where you go to the backyard brush to pee (yes pee in the open, one of life's best experiences), and you look up and spot a bunch of squirrels running nimbly through the barbed wire atop your fenced yard!

Awesome!!

It's not all rosy though. Life is hard here.
Each time i visit, i have to sharpen up my skills on the art of "posting". How do you tell a grown up man who sees you and comes to beg for 1,000 naira that you've just given the same to about three other fellows who have come before him to ask similar stuff?? Its sad.

Young guys go around doing menial jobs, children join them whenever they can and ladies...well..they do whatever it is they do to survive as well...

The sights assail you as you spend time.Thatched houses with gigantic cobwebs, hardy goats, ancient bicycles, wizened old folks, claypots, schoolkids with tattered clothing,  and on the flip side, massive houses which wouldn't be out of place in Lekki, Big SUVs cruising infrequently down the bad roads and some well dressed, well fed folk who have somehow managed to escape the poverty clutch.

It's crazy, yet so beautiful. wouldn't trade it for the world.