Just one of them days...

Hi Guys,

You know what? Some days are not just it.

It's Thursday morning in the office, i'm just minding my own business and trying to force the minions in my head to let me be. I have work piled up and i'm trying to get it out of the way.

Peace, (my very good friend who i am currently having one of those "not-yet-defined"/ "its complicated" relationships) calls me on the intercom.

"Okey bobo, how far?

" Sweetie..i'm fine. Any better?"

"are you very busy? this one you're sounding distracted"

"Babes, leave me naa..i get work to do"

"Yeye. See ehn, there's this stuff i saw on Linda Ikeji and i know you'll want to attend"

"You're on Linda Ikeji by 10.20 in the morning??"

"abeg abeg abeg, just check it out. You'll thank me later. It was just posted"

and that's how, ladies and gentlemen, i find myself looking at an advert for a Singles programme tagged "Love is not enough". I don't even give it a second glance and get back to work.

Later during the day,(during one of those periods at work where you've done all you can and just want to chill but you're still looking at your computer screen and tapping your keyboard like you're working? lol..) , the minion that controls my crazy thoughts and makes me do stupid stuff was pounding on my brain, jumping up and down and insisting i check it out again. So i open up the advert and read through. First, It doesn't look like a bad gig as its being held at the very classy Oriental hotel, and then i notice something i missed the first time, its absolutely FREE.

Hmmmm.....i've seen programs like this where they charge you an outrageous sum to come and “mingle with singles”, only to flop terribly either because everyone there's all snooty or the organizers don't know what they're doing or just flop generally. Anyway, my minion is doing cartwheels and i'm like ...okay...what's the worst that can come out of it? worst come to worst (Is that even good English?), i won't even bother showing up depending on how i feel  and since its free to boot...

I download the entry participant form, fill the required fields and quickly click submit so my minion can stop humping the wall in joy.

As the fates would have it, i get an email about an hour later from one of the companies i applied for a job with , informing me that i've been invited for an interview by 12.30 pm on the same Saturday as the singles event was to hold.

It's a no contest as to which one to attend. (The other minions are now holding their crazy friend from jumping off a bridge in despair).

To cap a crazy day off,  i get another email by COB from the organizers informing me i'm among the elite few to be selected for the program and i should kindly find attached a gate pass to the event at the Oriental Hotel by 4.00 pm on Saturday.

Since both venues are within the same area in Victoria Island,  i make a quick decision that if the  interview goes well and ends on time, i might find myself going for the show but if not, head on home to rest for the weekend.

Alas, on the fateful day, the interview went well. So well, that a few of us were asked to wait back to have a chat with the CEO. To cut a long story short, we finished everything around 5 pm. I was thinking of just heading on home but (as my minion was literally on its knees) i decided to pop in and see if the event was still going on.

So i nose Susie (Yeah, she's fully back now but that's another story for another post) onto Lekki-Epe expressway and into Oriental hotel. Oriental is a 4 star hotel, very classy with all the works and my Susie is seriously looking out of place beside the luxury cars there. Anyway, class is relative so i square my shoulders, straighten my tie and locate the venue of the hall.

The ushers outside assure me i'm not entirely late so, i present my pass, they inspect it, hand me a form and i step in.

My Goodness!!!

You can literally smell the estrogen in the air and my wicked minions are already leaping for joy.

A quick survey from my place at the entrance shows that the place is packed full with a male - female ratio of approximately 1 : 3. No kidding.

I quickly scan for a good place (with lovely babes obviously) to sit, but there's nowhere available at first glance. This is awkward. I'm the only one standing , The guy up front on the podium is going on about the how sex makes marriages work and i'm now desperately looking for a seat when two ladies beckon to me to join their table.

Alas, i'm too relieved to get a seat to notice that the table i rush to is full of "matured" single women in their late thirties and early forties. Oh God!!!.I know the program indicated 28 and above as the age range for the participants but this is ridiculous. I'm surrounded by, well, average looking ladies who are obviously not spring chickens anymore. Sigh.

Its a table for about 12 and we're only three guys there. I don't even need to start up the conversation. The one beside me, Esther took charge and made introductions. My charm minion takes over and i start engaging them in conversation.

I don't mean to sound conceited but after just 20 minutes, i want to BAIL!!!.

Its a total disaster!. My expectations coming here are to meet single, professional, witty, intelligent babes who, (might as well just admit it) also wouldn't mind hooking up, with something a bit more serious coming later on .

As far as this goes, its a total bust.

Esther and another lady Prisca are trying very hard to get my undivided attention but to put it very mildly, they're most definitely not going to get any nomination to a beauty competition. While im trying to keep the gist flowing, they jump from one silly topic to another until i want to choke myself. And the really hard part of it is that they’re so bloody persistent. I can barely even get a word in to anyone else and i honestly think of abandoning my gentleman principles and telling them to fuck off.

Apparently, one is an aspiring entrepreneur who is looking for someone to sponsor her fashion house while the other , who is currently looking for a job is very glad to tell me very personal details of her brother’s wife who is causing issues in their family. Esther is really forward and asks me immediately for my phone number and BBM Pin.
 I’m too surprised to resist or refuse and i meekly surrender them over to her.

I manage to sneak a glance at the form in front of her and see the D.O.B(which, even though the form specified only Month and date, she had added the year ) and i cringe when i see she’s 6 years older. It’s not long before i start desperately looking around and i see some lovely looking girls at a far off table already being corralled by some hustlers. Unfortunately, all the seats in the hall are taken and i’m forced to drag my attention back when Prisca laughs and asks me why my “mind is not here”. Lord!

I take the easy way out and tell them i’m expecting a call back from my earlier interview to which they start quoting scripture and telling me it will be favorable for me IJN.

About 15 minutes later, the MC, a very jovial guy announces an upcoming couples game which is to be held table-by-table. WHAAT?!!!

I quickly take a fake phone call, excuse myself from the trauma table and head straight for the exit without a backwards glance. Outside the huge doors, I turn round and sigh in relief as i realize i’m not being followed.

It’s that kind of day! Even the lovely ushers that were outside earlier had all gone.

I waste no more time and head for the parking lot. Locating Susie is even more traumatic as i got lost about three times before seeing her.

Driving back home, i try to reflect on the day’s events and conclude.

Some days just no be am at all...

S**t Happens (1)

Hi people..

So here's what happened to me a few weeks back. Not in a dream or movie o.

True life ish that just gets me..well...speechless.

So i get prepared to go to church on one fine sunday morning. St. Dominics is the preferred destination because, truth be told, the mass there is more enjoyable and much quicker than my normal parish. I'm not in the mood for one of those long, drawn out St. Gerald masses where one visiting priest from the hinterland may just decide to take that heavy burden upon himself and convert all these lukewarm city folk in one mass. It'll just have me staring at my watch and itching to leave after communion.

So plans are made with my sister to worship at St Dominics and we (Myself, Ugo, Esther and Somto) head out in my car, Susie. Kind of late, i have to admit but better late than never is the motto for me.

Its an uneventful journey to church. The mass goes great and barring some normal parking wahala, the rain deciding we were not well bathed and Somto's decision to make the church aware that he, Alexander the Great, was in the building, everything was going pretty well.

We set off back home with plans to spend the day in my bachelor pad, only for it to turn completely upside down.

We're driving down Ikorodu road enjoying a gentle sunday drive, when all of a sudden, this big, stupid bus beside me to the right starts swerving, tries to correct, fails miserably and rams Susie broadside. WHAM!!

You always hear of adrenaline and what it does for you right? Its no lie.

My first thought funny enough was "ahhh...so this accident has finally happened"...Then i thought of Somto in the car behind me, adrenaline kicked in and i stepped hard on the accelerator. There was this screech of metal and Susie, bless her metallic heart, responded by shooting past the fucking bus instead of spinning.

Truly speaking, it was a miracle we weren't upended or driven off the road into the mid partition.

I manage to stop Susie some yards ahead and i realize that Esther and Ugochi had actually screamed throughout. The red rage kicks in and i jump out to first check on Somto and Esther in the backseat and then possibly strangle the bus driver.

Miraculously, they're both fine. Scared and crying, but both physically okay. Ugo and i make sure they're okay and then i confront this evil, murderer wannabe. To our great surprise, this fool is driving a busload of schoolchildren back to their boarding school with an Oyo State Government bus and he comes down to start pleading and begging to be forgiven.The idiot claimed all responsibility and confesses that his brakes failed in the middle of the road, there are some parents following their kids back to school who come around the bus and start pleading for him, thanking God that nobody got injured.

Its good that i'm not one to physically assault anyone, the urge to really really strangle this mofo was overwhelming. I try to calm down and assess the situation.

He's scraped the whole side of Susie, damaged her fender, front bumper, right panel, alloy rim, deflated two front  tires and really really messed up her alignment in front.
Next thing you know, fool brings out fifteen thousand naira and begs me to take it as it's all he has on him!!. The sweet urge to strangle this idiot comes full on again and i have to force myself to be cool.

I ignore his stupid offer as if i didn't hear it and after consulting on the phone with Moshood(my mechanic), i demand his car papers or license with intent on impounding his vehicle since it is obvious that it'll take nothing less than sixty to seventy thousand naira to fix the mess. Turns out that the clown didn't have any vehicle papers because he was driving a government vehicle and doesn't even carry a drivers license. Shit!.

I'm thinking of what to do next because by this time, we're being surrounded by area boys and thugs which as any Lagosian will tell you, is not a good situation to be in. The traffic is really backed up on the expressway and honestly, i really do not want the police or any other so called Law enforcement to come with their own wahala. So, the parents with the bus call their PTA chairman to speak with me on the phone.

Chairman tells me he's a well known Islamic cleric and he was in charge of hiring the bus. He sounds very well spoken and cultured. Dude apologizes very nicely,profusely and wants to know what i want. I tell him, of course i want all damages paid for after an assessment by a mechanic and he assures me that they will take care of all cost of repairs to Susie. He thanks God that nobody was hurt, apologizes again and again for their driver's misdeeds and promises on his honor as a Muslim to sort the matter out. He just wants the bus with their schoolkids to leave because they're travelling to Ibadan.

I'm one to always give benefit of doubt but my Nigerian blood kicked in and i demanded that they sign an undertaking to that effect. So he speaks with the parents present, and they ask me to draft something for them to sign and witness. I do this quickly because tempers are getting pretty heated on our part, (Ugo was already looking to take on some of the area boys). They all sign it, including the useless driver and the Chaiman gives me all his phone numbers and promises to call us later on for further discussions.

I leave them to go on their way and after stopping to change one of the damaged tires and calling Nnamdi to come assist, we limp away home, totally exhausted and deflated with a badly banged up Susie.

To Be continued........

Say hello, Master Somto.

Hi Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a special guest poster today. Enjoy

Hello Everyone,

My name is Somtochukwu Alexander Ejimofor. I am 5 and a half months old. I live with my mummy and my daddy and my aunty Esther in our house. I have plenty hair on my head, blue eyes and a small nose. I am fair in complexion and I like to smile even though I have no tooth. Yet.

My favourite food is SMA milk and cereal and I try to finish every bottle which mummy gives me, no matter how big it is. Sometimes I wonder why they shout when my tummy grows big after eating. Is the food supposed to go somewhere else?  I don’t like to cry but its only when I am hungry  and aunty Esther is watching African magic instead of making food for me, then I will show her what I can do with my voice.

My Favourite hobby is to catch anything around the house and put in my mouth. Mummy shouts when she sees me. I don’t understand why. I am only trying to help them clean these things. I also like to carry different things from where they are placed. Again, I don’t understand why aunty Esther takes them away from me because I am only trying to show her how to arrange our house. Maybe its because I throw them or slam them into their correct place when I carry them. Who knows?.

I like to move around the house even though I just learnt how to crawl. My uncle bought me a motorcar walker (he thinks I don’t know that it is because he is too lazy to carry me) which i use to explore the house and one day when mummy is not looking, I will climb out of it and walk with my legs. I am learning how to stand with support and if mummy had not removed the second mattress layer from my crib, I would have been able to climb out of it by now.

My mummy is very beautiful and loves me very much.  She works in a bank and she likes to carry me when she comes back from work everyday but I don’t understand why she says I have too much energy when I am only trying to show her what I learnt that day. My Daddy is an engineer and he works outside Lagos and comes to be with us whenever he can. My uncles come to visit us too and they always carry me around (as if I cannot move by myself!).My Grandma and Grandpa live in the village and whenever they come to see us, they always like to play with me. I understand why since I am their first grandchild.

I also like to sleep. What I don’t like is when the sleep wants to come, it will start to do as if it wants to fight with me so I always fight it back until I wake up and see that it won. As I am writing this, it has started coming again, so I will have to leave you all to fight with it again. Bye.

Wheat from Chaff

Eligible bachelor. You’ve probably heard that phrase so many times...

I know i have. I’ve been hearing it constantly since hitting the big 3 – 0 and honestly, its getting tiring.

Question for the guys.

How the fuck do you know who Mrs right is? Seriously,  how are you supposed to find the one when anyone will go with you?

well ..the truth is...ITS FREAKING HARD!

hmmm, See, my own problem is that i really really genuinely like women and even though i can be choosy when it comes to who i spend a lot of time with, i really enjoy ‘female company. And there’s lots of that to be had for free!!!

It’s not even hard these days at all... *sigh*.

My lovely married friends Bolaji and Funmi term it “ my unseriousness”...

I always try to be honest with myself and the truth is being single right now is totally working out for me and getting tied down is the furthest thing on my mind. (hope my mum doesn’t read blogposts).

It’ll all have to end one day though. *deep sigh* and yours sincerely will have to become a “responsible “ someborry.

Anyways ...till then..have to prep for Oby. She’s coming over.

Eligible Bachelor.

Happy Birthday Big bro.

Hi everyone,

Before i forget, i wanted to take time out to wish my older brother Uche a very Happy birthday.

Actually, his birthday was on the 14th but it's all well and good.

How to describe Uche? That's the classic JAMB question because bros is a man of very many parts.

Growing up with him was great. As kids, we all recognized that he was the intellectual one. Always reading and always getting lost within himself. He was always top of his class (seriously) and went on to become the youngest of our peers to go to secondary school. Boarding house for that matter.

He had this crazy temper back then and the standard warning joke among us was "you don't want to see Uche's red eyes o!"...lol.. He's grown past all that ever since and become a very chill guy. Though that famous temper is still lurking somewhere and shows itself occasionally. One of our famous quarrels was when he got so mad because i took his laptop to work without his permission one day!!!.
He sent me one kin yeye text wey dey vex me till today and we didn't speak for almost a month!

Bros is focused. scarily so.

He's worked in several media houses, briefly in the public sector and despite the setback of a near fatal accident, he's gone on to become a successful manager with a telecoms company.  I recall him having an interview on his sickbed and ace-ing it. He's bought a house in a high brow area, gotten married and had a beautiful kid recently.

This is not just all about his accolades. Uche has his faults too. He never returns calls, he can be annoyingly distant and if you're not family, won't really put himself out for you.

But all in all, he's a fantastic guy, very level headed, focused and very caring. Couldn't have asked for a better big brother.

Here's wishing you the best bros, long life, prosperity and all the finer things of life!!!

It's a pleasure to meet you too.

Hi everyone,

Welcome to my blog.

Let me tell you a bit about myself.

The third son and third born of a very wonderful family of four, i'm an eighties kid who grew up in Lagos. With such an extremely close knit family, it is inevitable that the bond between us all still exists till this day.

I love my family to death. Literally speaking, i would do anything for them.

Anyway, back to the issue. i've been fortunate enough to have experience living and growing up in various parts of the country. Had my secondary schooling in Enugu, came back home to Lagos for a bit and went off to Cross River for my first degree.Then i went for a year's compulsory service in Niger state and now i'm back to Lagos to get on with life.

These different areas, the people I've met there, and the experiences i've gone through, have all had one impact or the other in shaping who i am today and in truth, i wouldn't have it any other way.

I've always seen myself as being unique.No kidding. i know everyone thinks the same thing about themselves but as for me, I've always been different. Not that i'm a 100% sure of it, but i don't think you'd find others who are like me. Cocky? well, maybe, but seriously i don't care. Its my blog.

Why did i start a blog? well, truth be told, i don't really know. All i know is that i've always been fascinated about writing down the random things and thoughts that always seem to be popping up in my mind or happening to me. At an earlier point in my life, it was about keeping a diary but hey, a blog is waaay better and classier. So, here it is. Better late than never.

As i said, this will be an avenue for me to let it all out and hopefully improve my creativity.

I'm not a picture person but....here's what i look like.

Will post more later.

Cheers.