Nze is gone...

Sigh…never expected to be writing this post but oh well…here goes.

I lost my Dad on Feb 26^th this year.

See ehn, one of the things that genuinely gets me scared, I’m talking bone-chilling, heartbeat freezing scared was the thought of losing any of my loved ones.

It’s funny how your mind plays tricks on you and you never get to really understand how large a chunk of yourself gets torn out in this kind of situation until you’ve literally been awake for days and all you can think about is how on fucking earth’s sake you’re expected to go on without this person.

Now it’s fucking happened.

I guess writing about it may help to sort out however I’ve been feeling.

Mom calls us weeks before and tells us Dad has not been feeling too well…truthfully, none of us are too panicked as yet because even though the man’s health has not always been the best, he’s a renowned fighter and those bouts of sickness which come once in a while have always been shaken off quickly….So we send some money home and take time to call regularly.

It’s during these phone calls that I start to get the shakes.

My dad has always always been very cerebral, clear-headed, and articulate so how and when did he start sounding disjointed, confused, and to be honest, rambling at times? The first few times, I pass it off as just plain tiredness and maybe a drug-induced condition.

But this goes on and it becomes a struggle every time you call and insist on speaking to him.

I really panicked at some point and call my brothers to voice my serious concerns…they have experienced same and I start getting this sense of dread in my stomach at every point.

Forward to a week later and Mom calls to let us know that he had to be rushed to the hospital as his blood sugar dropped drastically!!... This is very weird because Dad has managed diabetes for about 20 years and monitors his sugar levels RELIGIOUSLY. The doctors are concerned about his blood sugar levels and start giving him insulin injections(something he’s never had to take ever before).

My personal shakes increase X2.

He’s discharged and comes back home where he continues on the insulin injections and honestly, the situation doesn’t improve a whole lot. Every time I call, Mom (God bless her)always goes “your dad is sleeping/resting” ,” He’s a bit better today”, “We thank God, today was better than yesterday” and trying her best (unsuccessfully for me)not to let us panic.

Late in the evening of stupid Feb 25^th. Uche calls me and is uncharacteristically very grave. He lets me know that Dad  has been rushed to the hospital again and has been put on oxygen!.

Man, at this point, I start getting hot/cold chills at the same time and start praying as if someone’s life depends on it… Bruh…I’m not sure how I survived that night. Started trying to make travel plans to go to the village but after hearing that Nnamdi is leaving first thing next morning, I change my mind and decide to let him head there instead.

Morning of fucking Feb 26^th and it’s been a restless, sleepless night for me. I call Mom and everyone at the hospital is strangely calm and asking us to pray for him to get through it all.

I start praying again and willing Cosmas to fight this shit like he’s always done. He’s never one to give up easily so I try to summon willpower for him from here in Lagos and urge my dad to fight this fucking monster sickness.

My Dad gave up the fight later that morning and honestly I’m not sure life can ever be the same again.

Mom calls me at work where I’ve gone to try and distract myself and tells me in the calmest voice I’ve ever heard from her. No hysterics, no crying(which she’s obviously been doing all night) and all the while she’s the one trying to comfort me as I stand there on the staircase at the back of Nairabet call center absolutely paralyzed with shock and receive what is undoubtedly the worst news of my life!

Fucking February 26^th 2020. My Dad has died.

That day I finally got to experience when people say they got things done in a daze. The next few hours pass by in a blur and all I can remember is calling Uche..breaking the news to him, pleading with him to send his car so I can make sure there’s a way to get Ugo out of the office once I break the news to her, calling Chioma to tell her, then going to Mark’s office to take permission for some time off.

Letting Ugo know is something I’m not looking forward to. I’d been at her place earlier today and she had been crying as well…..we decided to come to the office to take our minds off things while we keep in touch with Namo who had left for home that morning. I call Michael and ask him to bring her downstairs, get Anita to be on standby to get her things from her office and then break the news to her. She breaks down (thankfully, Uche’s driver has already arrived) so we take her to the car while I pack up my stuff and we head to Uche’s house.

The rest of the day passes for me in a grief-stricken haze. I mask it all by keeping busy…making phone calls, informing relations, making plans for the hospital procedures, talking with Chioma, receiving calls from practically everyone and generally trying extremely hard to leave my mind blank.

Somehow, somewhere at the back of my mind, my grieving process amazes me. Seeing as this is being written in May, there’s this acceptance that has finally come but even as at time of this going to press, I’ve truly not been able to cry and let myself bawl as I had previously imagined. The closest to tears I got was in Uche’s car comforting and holding Ugo as she wept. It was utterly heartbreaking for me to see her so and that was that.

Daddy, laa n’udo. You were the best part of my life for so long.

RIP Nze Cosmas Ogbonna Ibemere (1941-2020).