Legally looped

 

Hi everyone…

I’m not gonna lie, this year has been one tough ride all through. It feels like there’s just been blow after blow after blow and it’s so easy to just lay back and wallow in the insanity that is the year 2020 but as Nigerians say it…we move!!

In the midst of all the madness, we still have to count our blessings and I thank God every day for Chioma in my life..you know when people often urge you to get it right with regards to all things marriage related, well, I have to say I hit the lottery.

Anyway, we had been planning ever since on how to get our wedding plans going (yes, you heard right) and like the war general that she is when it comes to planning, Chioma sat me down and laid out the invasion plans for the capture of my heart… lol...

So, apparently, for those who don’t know, there are generally three ceremonies to fulfill this obligation.. a court wedding, a traditional wedding and a white/church wedding.

 

First stop. Court wedding.

Note that we’re in the middle of the fucking Wuhan virus pandemic and things have generally shut down everywhere. However, as with all things Nigerian, there are always ways around. So, our friends, Emeka and Ekene had done theirs a little while earlier and I had to call him and ask for the procedure. Mahn, na wa o ..the processes promised to be as complicated as trying to do legitimate business in this country.

Thank God Emeka introduced me to one guy who is some sort of big shot at the Ikoyi marriage registry who promised to make things a bit easier for us. So I get dressed one fine Tuesday and head to the registry to commence the procedures.. Chai, this country sucks big time!! Had to go through some back door channels with the guy so we could fill out all the forms, pay about 35k, and eventually get registered.

Fast forward three weeks later, Chioma virtually twisted my arms and I’m staring down the barrel of a pre-wedding photo session on the morning of the court wedding with a fantastic guy who we’ve hired to be our wedding photographer.

Barring some normal drama with the makeup artist who shows up very late on the day, the photo session actually goes very well and just goes to highlight the foolishness of my aversion to taking pictures because your boy was looking very hot-saucy!! (Special shout out to my fantastic tailor Didi, my former colleague at Visafone who runs @tuxboxbespoke)

Mike is there as my witness, Ify is there to stand for Chioma and since the registry was very very specific about allowing just two guests per couple, the four of us head off to the court after the shoot is finally over.

We get there a bit late and find tons of other couples already there before us. To their credit though, everything looks well organized especially as all the crowd who must have insisted on following their couples (trust Nigerians) were mandated to stay outside the premises of the registry. We write down our names, get extorted to buy one stupid handout on Nigerian marriage laws and we’re asked to wait our turn behind everyone already there.

I guess I have to reluctantly acknowledge the fact that knowing someone at this sort of places actually helps smoothen the whole process because our big shot guy comes along and after some procedural shenanigans and acting for the camera, he whisks us off past the line of waiting couples into the registry and fast tracks the whole thing for us. The knowledge that we would have been waiting there for hours under the hot sun effectively silences all my moral objections (yeah yeah..i know…don't rub it in) and after a relatively short while (and lots of bloody requests for gratification from these corrupt mofos) Chioma and I find ourselves seated in front of one sanctimonious guy acknowledging to live with and love each other forever under Nigerian Law.

After a few statements of intentions and exchange of rings, The guy berates us to love ourselves, goes ahead to extort his own egunje in the form of “offerings” from everyone including our poor witnesses, sings some funny choruses in his toady voice and finally guides us through the process of filling out and signing the forms indicating that we’re now officially married in the eyes of this country!!

 YAAAYY!!

All this in less than 20 minutes.

We go out to take the regular pictures under the famous Ikoyi registry banner, and get extorted some more by the court-appointed photo/videographer who make us pay an exorbitant sum of money for them.

At this point, We’re just happy enough to get the hell out of there and grab lunch nearby….

END OF PART ONE.

Peep some of the pictures below and tell me we're not one helluva lovely couple😎😎

That post you never thought would happen

 

Hey guys…Great news...

I GOT ENGAGED!!!

So, I had been mulling over it for quite some time earlier this year, and to be absolutely honest, Chioma checked all the boxes in the most spectacular ways. Why the fuck would I waste any more time?

Went online, found a lovely jewelry store, and got a nice ring.

I know she must have had some sort of idea about the whole thing especially as I made reservations at a Chinese restaurant one night..lol…anyway, it went awesome.

 In the middle of some sweet and sour duck soup (I think) after a lot of fidgeting on my part (very understandable) your guy strikes up the mushy conversation, looks her straight in the eyes, tells her how much he loves her and needs her in his life, brings out the white box, goes down on one knee, and does the deed. Of course, she couldn’t say no to this hunk of lovely 100-yard man-candy marriage material… I slip the ring on, we kiss and our waiter comes along to congratulate us.

Ladies, gents, minions and all, that’s how the single life officially ends for me and I hang my well-worn (oh, so very well worn) boots and retire my jersey from the game….(Insert wild applause and ovation from the cheering crowd here)

Nze goes to rest

 

In my alternate life, I’m very sure I’m the king that the Procrasti-Nation remembers as their founding father because that’s the only thing that can explain away this apathy and gaps in time for my blog posts… I think it's always better whenever I just decide to write and start typing away…

Anyways…There’s been a lot going on and went on…

Still can’t believe it at times, but sometimes, I randomly just remember that Pops is gone and I just feel one kind of way for a while. It's like there’s this very heavy load which someone’s dropped on my chest and I have to be very conscious and deliberate about taking deep breaths just to overcome it.

So notwithstanding this fucking Chinese virus still wreaking havoc everywhere, we had to sit down and deliberately decide to go ahead with giving Nze the befitting burial that he so rightly deserves.

To be honest, it was a totally overwhelming task.

Right from the first day we all gathered at my place to discuss how things were going to go, the sheer magnitude of this whole thing was very evident.

Look, I really really cannot stress the importance of having an immediate family that is in tune with each other. I have been so blessed to have the family I do that even through the sadness and grief, we still managed to sit together, make decisions, reach out to people and deliberate on how we would want the whole thing to go without any form of issues. God bless us all.

I was put in charge of handling finances for the burial and now I understand why pops always kept detailed records for everything he always did. Good thing because at a point, there was always so much to record and write down and take note and jot down and clarify and provide information on and calculate and so on and so forth…crazy!.

The date was fixed for July 17^th and oh boy..did it go down or what!

I really can’t get into too much detail about how the whole thing went but suffice to say, and even though I say so myself, I think we managed to send Nze Cosmas off very well to the great beyond.

There were so many moments and emotions to remember….sad ones, grief-filled ones, laughter, drama but the major one that really stuck with me was:

The sense of how well-loved my Dad was to the whole community. I mean the love and goodwill were MASSIVE. Everyone wanted to play a part in the whole thing and even though they couldn’t contribute financially, the villagers and everyone else involved all made sure they did what they could to make it a success. (Insert tears here)

Other memories of the burial are really random things that somehow imprint themselves in my brain and give my minions(been a while I mentioned them) fodder for thought..in no particular order…:

• ·         His Traditional chieftaincy chair(or is it throne?) cordoned off with ribbons
• ·         Standing beside Nda Joe from Dad’s maternal home to mark the spot where the grave would be dug..
• ·         The village youths all gathering to mount the gigantic banner that we had made for the occasion
• ·         Sitting with Nnamdi on dad’s insanely firm bed and talking about random things
•  ·         Comforting Ugo at the mortuary when we when there for the final viewing of the body
• ·         Hearing that strange whirring sound of the drone we used to capture burial footage
• ·         Drinking Olmeca at the sit out with Oge and the rest of the guys
• ·         Watching the rainmaker clown get away with extorting everyone because they didn’t want rain to fall (which it eventually did)
• ·         Seeing Chioma sweeping the compound next door in those her comfy-looking Pyjama trousers (not sure why this stuck!)
• ·         Repairing dad’s car with Namo and silently wondering who was going to be driving it again..
• ·         Seeing blood gushing out from the neck of the big Cow we killed for the occasion
• ·         Buying cartons of drinks for the Umuawuka youths after they finished “cleaning” the compound.
• ·         Seeing momsy’s clean-shaven head after the whole day had ended
• ·         Being startled at how one side of the grave caved in overnight after we had dug it the previous day
• ·         Recalling how annoyed Nda Finian Etoh was because he claimed we didn’t give Club 10 the priority treatment he felt they deserved..”sigh”

 

One way or the other, there are so many memories I can’t begin to detail here. I’m just eternally grateful to everyone who played a part in making sure my beloved dad was laid to rest properly. I cant start mentioning names or families here but I see you all and may God bless and replenish you all.