Beach fun and a weird twist

 

As a follow up to our done and dusted nuptials, we plan a spur of the minute beach outing for the entire family the next day to just chill and unwind.

Oge and I are planners in chief and as always we try to get things rocking. Due to unfavorable past experience, we decide to forgo the Elegushi beach option and set our sights on one of the smaller beaches near our end of the island. We eventually settle for Barracuda beach and communicate to everyone involved.

It’s a good choice as we all set off from our different points on Sunday. I’m leading the way with Cassie so Oge’s people(who don’t know the way) link up with us around Abraham Adesanya and we head to the beach in a convoy.

We get there and turns out we are not the only ones with fun in mind. The place is packed. Goodness. After a lot of haggling, opposing viewpoints, and jostling, we secure space and get down to the business of fun.

It’s a great time, there’s quite a bit of booze, no thanks to the remnants from the party yesterday and as more people show up, more booze appears and kicks things into higher gears. There’s lots of good food as well. Vivian and her hubby have been generous as always, the ladies are having fun taking pictures by the water, inhibitions are being destroyed by the booze, Dance steps(weird, gawky, hilarious, professional, and sometimes forgettable) are being unveiled, the kids were scrambling everywhere.. and as the sun goes down its really looking like a very memorable outing.

Things couldn’t get any better when we sight Emeka strolling into the party venue and there’s a wild shout as we welcome him. He’s handed a bottle of Hennesey and dancing continues.

Now Oge, my co-organizer had been conspicuously absent as he claimed he was still on his way and stuck in traffic somewhere. He arrived a bit later and asked me to come help him lug the whole crate of fresh booze he’s brought along with him. Yes o!!

No time to waste..I go to the car park and meet up with him. Surprise surprise, he’s with Kelechi!! Yaay!. I mean, what could be better? Both my Yankee cousins both coming to have fun with us together.

We pick up the bottles and head to the venue.

The reception on seeing us is even more uproaring….fresh bottles of champagne start getting popped and wow…This is a good party!

In the midst of all this, I notice Emeka gradually distancing himself from the group. Concerned, Chioma and I head off to find out what was wrong and he assures us that nothing’s up. I’m a bit doubtful because he has this strange gleam in his eyes….he moves off closer to the water, Chioma heads back and I decide to stick with him.

Everything went south from thereon.

Apparently, Kelechi had moved off from the group as well and was close to where we stood. Emeka sees Kelechi,(blood brothers by the way) and starts calling and cussing him out and basically asking him to come fight!!

WHAAAAT!! What the absolute fuck is going on here??

Kelechi, being the strong-headed ex-marine, is not the type to ignore or turn away from such taunts and makes a beeline for Emeka and me.

TF??I try to calm things down and appeal to Emeka to stop with the insults. Might have well been talking to the rocks.

Kelechi stops near us and they both start cursing each other out. Emeka very obviously wants to fight and tells his brother in no uncertain terms that he will fuck him up righteously. At this point, it’s becoming a very obvious spectacle and onlookers are slowly gathering. I’m frantic at this point and really begging both of them to cool down. No dice.

When it’s looking inevitable, very fortunately, Kelechi looks over to me and hands over his prized Marine dagger. An evil-looking blade that looks capable of serious damage and asks Emeka to try and touch him if he dares.

Emeka is only too pleased at the invitation and launches a punch at his brother that partially catches me on the cheek as well. All hell breaks loose after that.

Everything becomes a blur from then as I see them start to fight and exchange serious blows. Emeka obviously has the upper hand in this (both are ex-army guys btw) and drags Kel into the sand near the sea as they continued pummeling themselves.

Omo!!...i run off to get help and virtually drag Oge from the party, briefing him on what's going on as we race down to the beach where they are. OGE GOES INSANE.

Now, it’s worth mentioning that Oge has a legendary temper and is not someone you want to mess around with.

He sees them still fighting and starts to yell, scream and curse them both. At a point when they don’t even answer him, he strips naked and jumps in the fray to push them apart. My goodness!

Fortunately, Emeka, who’s clearly having the upper hand of this duel, lands a few more, disengages, and quickly moves away. Kel is clearly seriously injured but gets up, grabs me, and DEMANDS for his knife. He is swearing to commit fratricide and with the look in his eye, I have no doubt of his intentions and deliberately refuse to give it to him. He looks ready to kill me but limps off in no direction apparently to secure another weapon.

Everyone was really agitated at this point and the security guys were threatening to throw us out. Oge is really distraught and openly crying at this show of shame, the kids and the women were all scared and so we quickly coordinate them to start leaving asap. We pack up and everyone starts heading off in distress to the car park.

I see Emeka being held by Nnamdi and a few others. So I go off and at this point am openly begging him to leave so we avoid an impending disaster. Fortunately, and apparently against his will, he agrees and heads off to Uche’s car which he used to come. Most weird of all, he has this smile on his face like he’s done something that had been in the works for a while.

As he starts the car, I see Kelechi in the distance still raving around and say a silent prayer for this day to be over. Fat chance of that.

Emeka leaves and I go over to find Kel. Fuck! He’s badly hurt.

He’s wet, locks all covered in sand and his clothes are torn. He’s got serious bruises and worst of all, his hand is badly dislocated at the shoulder.

For context, due to serious war injuries, Kelechi was honorably discharged from the army and has been on some serious medication ever since. Now imagine someone, not in the best of health with these preconditions who had previously been managed very well in the US stuck in Nigeria and getting this badly injured.

Even worse, his flight back to the US is fixed for the next day!!

Kel is a mess and in some serious pain. Cussing everyone and everything while trying to cope with the pain. We, fortunately, recover his passport and some other documents lying around in the sand. Joe and I decided to get him to a hospital quickly and convert Vivian’s car to a makeshift ambulance. With Joe driving, we head off with him and that journey to Doren hospital is one I’m not likely to forget in a hurry.

Between Kelechi screaming for help and graphically insulting both of us for trying to help him (just imagine!!), we’re navigating bad roads from the beach and trying to hold his back and shoulder steady. It’s a nightmare.

Further compounded on reaching Doren hospital and they refuse to do anything until we register him and pay for a specialist who has to come and treat him. I’m massively irritated at this point and take it out on the idiots there who don’t even bat an eyelid.

Summary of the whole stupid hospital episode, we gather funds, pay for an orthopedic doctor who comes and treats him after knocking him out with some injections. Doctor categorically tells us Kel is in no state to travel and insists on saying we’re going against his medical advice if we decide to leave.

Of course, by this time, we’re tired, frustrated, and really pissed off with both Kelechi and Emeka, (who by the way had been calling me to send a picture of his brother in the hospital). But Kel had a flight to catch and couldn’t miss it for anything.

Of course, the first thing Kelechi did on waking up, was to rip off the sling the doctor had taken ages to set and set off the whole pain process again. At that point,(around 2.30am) Joe and I couldn’t give a damn anymore and decide to leave the hospital for home. After some drama with missing car keys and other rubbish, we depart for home totally deflated.

 

p.s – there were obviously issues between them I’m not at liberty to mention here. Kelechi managed to get on the flight that afternoon and head back home. Emeka apologized for everything and left later on too.

Spiritually Sealed

 

Part 3 of the wedding trilogy continues…dan…dan…da dan….

So our whirlwind year continues and the weeks following the traditional wedding have been absolutely amazing. We’ve been in bliss at how well we pulled it off and start concentrating on the final leg : The Church or white wedding.

Once again, all credit to my beautiful wife who’s a bit of an organizing freak….we move!

Now recall that we’ve been attending “marriage classes” starting around January this year at a lovely church in VGC -Catholic Church of the Transfiguration and trust me..that one is a whole different story… if you know anything about me by now, it’d be very obvious that this was something I would detest attending and if it wasn’t a requirement by the church and Chinky’s arm twisting, I’d have gladly found a way to skip through it all. Anyway, as with all new realizations, it turned out not to be as horrible as I thought it was going to be and some of the classes were actually fun. We had mostly good teachers who made the classes entertaining enough so I didn’t have to hang myself. Even though COVID put a halt at some point during the year, we managed to finish it up and get “church certified” for marriage.

We also had some pre-wedding counseling sessions with our spiritual counselor Rev Fr Matthew (who, my minions assured me and I suspected had a very colorful life before joining the vineyard). Very nice guy though…didn’t put too much pressure on us and took his time to arrange everything properly.

So things are moving in gear….we had managed to uproot Mom from her mourning period and sent her a flight ticket to come down to lagos. Lolo* was very happy to do so and came down with Confidence (yaay!) who I had picked earlier from the bus park. Emeka is also still around for the period and wonder of all wonders, Kelechi makes a spur of the minute decision to also come in from the US for my wedding. WOW. It's great to have him around and the whole family is feeling really chuffed at the time. We had worried over locations for the reception and finally(after offers from Kathy and Ugo to host it) decided to use a very lovely hotel ballroom close by. Chioma and I met with the managers and managed to get very good deals on the room rates, reception venue rates as well as drinks and service for the day. Other things were taken care of….I got our office caterer to handle food for the day (even though Mom still prepared her own occasion food later as usual).

One thing I really have to give thanks for was the support we received from family and friends everywhere. One decision we made, was to keep the number of guests at a minimum due to church requirements, COVID(fucking Wuhan virus) regulations, financial prudence, and the general wish on both parts to have a small wedding. So invitations were selectively sent(let me just report here that Chioma threatened me if I went outside the list) and people really understood and still lent their full support.

October 3^rd finally dawned, but first, let me gist a bit about the bachelor’s eve…lol…

The previous day, without my knowledge, the guys had all planned something to celebrate my “retirement”. I was just given instructions to present myself at Uche’s place at a certain time and be ready to have fun. Kelechi and I had done a lot of running around earlier and in between bouts of driving me crazy with his financial recklessness, me trying my hardest not to forget anything important, answering tons of calls and coordinating several things at once, the day quickly breezed away. We got to Uche’s place later that evening and there’s an expectant atmosphere. The guys are all there…Emeka, Kelechi, Chigozie, Oge, Uche, IK(Chioma’s brother), and a couple of other guys….We start pre-gaming on bottles of Patron and I’m given one bottle all to myself (See pic inserted below) (with hindsight, big mistake!). We play video games till it’s suitably late enough and then head out to….you guessed right….the strip club!

Of course, any discerning gentleman in Lagos knows that there’s only one very correct Men’s club to head to, and being the premium guys that we are, we set off for Silver Fox. By this time, seeing as I had hardly had anything serious to eat before getting to Uche’s place, I’m pretty much happily buzzed on Patron and therefore will discreetly draw a veil on all further activities for the night since I can’t even remember anything anyway….lol.

The next morning, we’re up bright and early in the hotel room (Chioma at least anyway. I was still zonked out) and the big day gets in gear. We had a suite so Chioma’s make up artist and other attendants had slept over in the adjoining room and they started their preparations on her on time (thank God). Our fantastic photographer came as well and started off with all his gimmickry. After all the usual drama of wedding mornings, we are set to go and head off to the church in Jesse’s car.

You know something, I’ve had lots of thoughts about how my wedding day would go and really, the universe just seemed to align and accede to my unspoken wishes.

Chioma was amazingly beautiful. Her gown was a work of art and being the beauty that she is, she made the dress come alive. The church building and the location was very well situated, the weather bent to our will and was all beautiful sunshine, people were happy and it just promised to be an all-round great day. Fortunately, everything went according to plan.

I watched her dad walk Chioma down the church aisle and at that moment, I’m not sure why I started having nostalgic thoughts of how I wished Nze could have been here as well. Sigh.

The mass was beautifully short and sweet, Chioma and I recited all the famous words when asked and Fr Matthew pronounced us Man and Wife in the eyes of the church and everywhere else!!! YAAAAAAYYYY!!

The rest of the church ceremony went by in a haze of songs, signings and so many pictures! Bidemi , our photographer really outdid himself (self reminder to send him a bonus) and then we headed to the reception venue.

The reception also goes as planned. We had not wanted the usual wedding reception so we had themed ours a “wedding lunch” which was what it turned out exactly. Our guests showed up and had lots to eat and drink. Chioma and I were going round the venue, gisting, laughing and interacting with everyone. Asides some fuck up with the power going off for a while, everything else was just perfect.

Everyone was expecting us to turn up on the dance floor and trust your people, we did not disappoint. At a point, the whole thing just turned into a free for all party and even though I say so myself, it was a fucking great wedding party.

The highlight was also when Chioma’s parent’s and their guests all made a very special presentation to us and gifted us so many items. Absolutely amazing.

All good things have to come to an end though and ladies and gentlemen, the end of this party wraps up this special period in my life where I get to start the rest of my life with this amazing woman beside me.

To Chinky, my beautiful wife, Thank you for loving and accepting me. I promise to always love you and treat you right. You are literally the best thing that has happened to me

To my amazing family here and in diaspora, thanks for the prayers, love and support. You all rock.

To the Nwokorokus, thanks for accepting me and gifting me with this whole new amazing family. God bless you guys.

 

That’s it folks. Cheers!

 

*Lolo – Mummy’s official traditional title.

Traditionally Tied.

 

Hey people, I’m back again!! Writers block be damned.

Goodness, it's been a tough couple of months for Nigerians…more on that later.

So, as promised, the continuation of the Marriage Trilogy.

After all the giddy excitement of the court stuff got over, we sat down to review plans for the trad wedding. Kudos once again to Chinks*…she had almost singlehandedly mapped out all the plans for everything. I’m talking lists, charts, reminders, spreadsheets…the works! My own na to look over plans, voice my concerns, contribute my opinion, and eventually get overruled by hers. lol.

September 19^th was the set date and it seemed like the weeks in between just breezed by….Mahn, carrying out a traditional wedding is not a pot of beans o.. There were lots of stuff to do beforehand but thank goodness for family and friends who all chipped in and made most of the work light.

First up…sort out the wedding list.

Okay, for those who don’t know, there’s always a well tabulated list of items the groom is given to provide before he is deemed worthy to whisk away any fair maiden from her people in Igboland. To be honest, the quantities of most of the listed stuff are often outrageously inflated in order to get as much as possible from the Groom’s people and normally, a very good haggling session is expected from both parties (Ahhh…here’s where I miss my dear Nze, who had achieved legendary status in negotiation skills while he was with us)

Now recall that my darling beautiful wonderful Chinky** hails from the town of Mbaise, that renowned land revered for their folklore, famous warriors, fair maidens AND their absolutely insane wedding list requirements!!

Wow, i had been sent their list much earlier this year and let's just say the phrase “reel in shock” applied perfectly.

But here’s where I know how lucky I’ve been to meet my wife and her family. During one of our previous visits to her parents' house earlier this year before the occasion, My father in law (to be at that point) calls me aside and we discuss this list mano-a-mano. Amazingly, he tells me he personally doesn’t approve of this so-called list which was drawn up from the different village groups and suggests a way of getting things done which wouldn’t wreck my already limited pocket!! Wow, it’s certainly not unheard of but this gesture from him is so wonderful that I can only pray God to keep them alive long enough for us to spoil silly!! God bless my in-laws…They’re absolutely good people.

Also, since the fucking Wuhan virus was still raging and on the prompting of my in-laws, the location for the wedding was fixed here in Lagos at their house in Ogun state. I’m pretty sure there were lots of raised eyebrows from certain people since conventionally, trad weddings are usually held in the village but at this point, we don’t care and we’re doing what we want. (Bonus to this is that it’ll save us so much more from grabby hands in the village)

Still lots to get done though so we gather all the saved up funds and allocate as necessary. We had already discussed and paid for necessary logistics with my mom in law, Ugo had gone to the market for me and bought some of the necessary items, Uche and Nnamdi had gotten some more drinks from their respective offices and were coordinating movement plans for the day, Chima volunteered their car to also assist with logistics, I got my tailor friend to design a lovely outfit for me, we designed a nice wedding invitation and sent to groups of friends, informed most of the people we wanted actually present that day (we had decided to keep it as small as possible), I had gotten a bus released from the office to convey people to the venue that day, I arranged with Uncle Maurice to run point on all things from our side that day and gotten Uncle Ken to travel down from Enugu for the wedding.(My cousin Emeka, fantastic guy that he is also traveled all the way from the U.S despite all the risks and was present that day). Finally, I had commissioned my palm wine plug to provide 50 liters of palm wine for the occasion. (In hindsight, the guy was a fucking moron!).

Whew!! Quite a bit right. I know.

September 19^th dawns bright and beautiful. Mike, my good buddy shows up early as possible with the office bus driven by one of our staff drivers Musti. we get prepared to leave and horror of all horrors…my palm wine guy fails to show up. Bear in mind that I had promised my father in law sufficient quantity of palm wine to be made readily available that day and you get a picture of how my heart started racing.

We set off to look for this clown who doesn’t pick his call. Good thing is that he lives in my estate so we track him down to where he claims he had gone to tap the wine that morning. The idiot shows me four miserable liters that he’s collected and promised to get more from one of his friends. Considering that I had given this fool ample notice and paid him in advance, I’m literally ready to tear his head off but I manage to calm myself down and we go to look for his friend who of course never shows up. At this point we’re running late so, I take what he manages to gather in a keg and we set off to pick Ugochi and head off to Nnamdi’s place where we are to converge before moving to the venue (which was quite the distance tbh). Getting to Nnamdi’s place took a bit of time as well and by now, we are well and truly behind schedule factoring in Lagos traffic. Mother of horrors comes up when Mike (very fortunately) tastes the palm wine we got from that bastard before we leave and discovers that it is, to put it lightly, totally spoilt and very rancid.

They have to start calming me down at this point because WTF!!! If I had laid hands on that guy at that point, I’d have been celebrating my trad wedding from a jail cell. Thank God for Uche (My cousin Nnenna’s husband) who knows one or two connects and hooks me up with a guy who promises to have some ready for us to pick up on our way to the venue. Praise Jah!

After more drama with Uche (my brother)’s car which got damaged on the way to Nnamdi’s place and more time wasted getting everyone prepped and ready (Uncle Maurice who we were supposed to meet around Iju had been calling and calling), we finally set off.

Suffice to say, lagos traffic played it’s usual part that day and after a long ass journey (during which we stopped to pick up the fresh, sweet palm wine) through literally one of the worst roads we’ve ever driven on, we finally arrived at the Nwokoroku compound and the rest of the day picked up amazingly well and was awesome!

The ceremony went without a hitch, Chioma looked stunningly beautiful (see pics below), Negotiations for the bride price and other items on the dreaded list was smoothly handled by Uncle Maurice (God bless my father in law again. Man’s a rock star!) Uncle Ken actually said he’s never seen any negotiation ceremony go that smoothly without any issue. The women part of the list was handled by aunty Ugboaku and didn’t even raise any issue as they all deliberated and concluded before the men.

The MC was lively, crowd was well fed and jovial, All the usual traditional ceremonies played out very nicely and after a great time, Chioma and I found ourselves eventually kneeling before her parents for their final blessings before we left. After very specific pointed requests for us to produce twin children on time (lol) and the usual dancing and spraying, my wife (yes, I can use that word proudly now) packed her things into the bus and we set off back home with my crew after one of the most amazing days of my life!. Whew…

 

End of part 2.

 

*Chinks – Pet name for my girl.

**Chinky – variant of Chinks