Legally looped

 

Hi everyone…

I’m not gonna lie, this year has been one tough ride all through. It feels like there’s just been blow after blow after blow and it’s so easy to just lay back and wallow in the insanity that is the year 2020 but as Nigerians say it…we move!!

In the midst of all the madness, we still have to count our blessings and I thank God every day for Chioma in my life..you know when people often urge you to get it right with regards to all things marriage related, well, I have to say I hit the lottery.

Anyway, we had been planning ever since on how to get our wedding plans going (yes, you heard right) and like the war general that she is when it comes to planning, Chioma sat me down and laid out the invasion plans for the capture of my heart… lol...

So, apparently, for those who don’t know, there are generally three ceremonies to fulfill this obligation.. a court wedding, a traditional wedding and a white/church wedding.

 

First stop. Court wedding.

Note that we’re in the middle of the fucking Wuhan virus pandemic and things have generally shut down everywhere. However, as with all things Nigerian, there are always ways around. So, our friends, Emeka and Ekene had done theirs a little while earlier and I had to call him and ask for the procedure. Mahn, na wa o ..the processes promised to be as complicated as trying to do legitimate business in this country.

Thank God Emeka introduced me to one guy who is some sort of big shot at the Ikoyi marriage registry who promised to make things a bit easier for us. So I get dressed one fine Tuesday and head to the registry to commence the procedures.. Chai, this country sucks big time!! Had to go through some back door channels with the guy so we could fill out all the forms, pay about 35k, and eventually get registered.

Fast forward three weeks later, Chioma virtually twisted my arms and I’m staring down the barrel of a pre-wedding photo session on the morning of the court wedding with a fantastic guy who we’ve hired to be our wedding photographer.

Barring some normal drama with the makeup artist who shows up very late on the day, the photo session actually goes very well and just goes to highlight the foolishness of my aversion to taking pictures because your boy was looking very hot-saucy!! (Special shout out to my fantastic tailor Didi, my former colleague at Visafone who runs @tuxboxbespoke)

Mike is there as my witness, Ify is there to stand for Chioma and since the registry was very very specific about allowing just two guests per couple, the four of us head off to the court after the shoot is finally over.

We get there a bit late and find tons of other couples already there before us. To their credit though, everything looks well organized especially as all the crowd who must have insisted on following their couples (trust Nigerians) were mandated to stay outside the premises of the registry. We write down our names, get extorted to buy one stupid handout on Nigerian marriage laws and we’re asked to wait our turn behind everyone already there.

I guess I have to reluctantly acknowledge the fact that knowing someone at this sort of places actually helps smoothen the whole process because our big shot guy comes along and after some procedural shenanigans and acting for the camera, he whisks us off past the line of waiting couples into the registry and fast tracks the whole thing for us. The knowledge that we would have been waiting there for hours under the hot sun effectively silences all my moral objections (yeah yeah..i know…don't rub it in) and after a relatively short while (and lots of bloody requests for gratification from these corrupt mofos) Chioma and I find ourselves seated in front of one sanctimonious guy acknowledging to live with and love each other forever under Nigerian Law.

After a few statements of intentions and exchange of rings, The guy berates us to love ourselves, goes ahead to extort his own egunje in the form of “offerings” from everyone including our poor witnesses, sings some funny choruses in his toady voice and finally guides us through the process of filling out and signing the forms indicating that we’re now officially married in the eyes of this country!!

 YAAAYY!!

All this in less than 20 minutes.

We go out to take the regular pictures under the famous Ikoyi registry banner, and get extorted some more by the court-appointed photo/videographer who make us pay an exorbitant sum of money for them.

At this point, We’re just happy enough to get the hell out of there and grab lunch nearby….

END OF PART ONE.

Peep some of the pictures below and tell me we're not one helluva lovely couple😎😎

That post you never thought would happen

 

Hey guys…Great news...

I GOT ENGAGED!!!

So, I had been mulling over it for quite some time earlier this year, and to be absolutely honest, Chioma checked all the boxes in the most spectacular ways. Why the fuck would I waste any more time?

Went online, found a lovely jewelry store, and got a nice ring.

I know she must have had some sort of idea about the whole thing especially as I made reservations at a Chinese restaurant one night..lol…anyway, it went awesome.

 In the middle of some sweet and sour duck soup (I think) after a lot of fidgeting on my part (very understandable) your guy strikes up the mushy conversation, looks her straight in the eyes, tells her how much he loves her and needs her in his life, brings out the white box, goes down on one knee, and does the deed. Of course, she couldn’t say no to this hunk of lovely 100-yard man-candy marriage material… I slip the ring on, we kiss and our waiter comes along to congratulate us.

Ladies, gents, minions and all, that’s how the single life officially ends for me and I hang my well-worn (oh, so very well worn) boots and retire my jersey from the game….(Insert wild applause and ovation from the cheering crowd here)

Nze goes to rest

 

In my alternate life, I’m very sure I’m the king that the Procrasti-Nation remembers as their founding father because that’s the only thing that can explain away this apathy and gaps in time for my blog posts… I think it's always better whenever I just decide to write and start typing away…

Anyways…There’s been a lot going on and went on…

Still can’t believe it at times, but sometimes, I randomly just remember that Pops is gone and I just feel one kind of way for a while. It's like there’s this very heavy load which someone’s dropped on my chest and I have to be very conscious and deliberate about taking deep breaths just to overcome it.

So notwithstanding this fucking Chinese virus still wreaking havoc everywhere, we had to sit down and deliberately decide to go ahead with giving Nze the befitting burial that he so rightly deserves.

To be honest, it was a totally overwhelming task.

Right from the first day we all gathered at my place to discuss how things were going to go, the sheer magnitude of this whole thing was very evident.

Look, I really really cannot stress the importance of having an immediate family that is in tune with each other. I have been so blessed to have the family I do that even through the sadness and grief, we still managed to sit together, make decisions, reach out to people and deliberate on how we would want the whole thing to go without any form of issues. God bless us all.

I was put in charge of handling finances for the burial and now I understand why pops always kept detailed records for everything he always did. Good thing because at a point, there was always so much to record and write down and take note and jot down and clarify and provide information on and calculate and so on and so forth…crazy!.

The date was fixed for July 17^th and oh boy..did it go down or what!

I really can’t get into too much detail about how the whole thing went but suffice to say, and even though I say so myself, I think we managed to send Nze Cosmas off very well to the great beyond.

There were so many moments and emotions to remember….sad ones, grief-filled ones, laughter, drama but the major one that really stuck with me was:

The sense of how well-loved my Dad was to the whole community. I mean the love and goodwill were MASSIVE. Everyone wanted to play a part in the whole thing and even though they couldn’t contribute financially, the villagers and everyone else involved all made sure they did what they could to make it a success. (Insert tears here)

Other memories of the burial are really random things that somehow imprint themselves in my brain and give my minions(been a while I mentioned them) fodder for thought..in no particular order…:

• ·         His Traditional chieftaincy chair(or is it throne?) cordoned off with ribbons
• ·         Standing beside Nda Joe from Dad’s maternal home to mark the spot where the grave would be dug..
• ·         The village youths all gathering to mount the gigantic banner that we had made for the occasion
• ·         Sitting with Nnamdi on dad’s insanely firm bed and talking about random things
•  ·         Comforting Ugo at the mortuary when we when there for the final viewing of the body
• ·         Hearing that strange whirring sound of the drone we used to capture burial footage
• ·         Drinking Olmeca at the sit out with Oge and the rest of the guys
• ·         Watching the rainmaker clown get away with extorting everyone because they didn’t want rain to fall (which it eventually did)
• ·         Seeing Chioma sweeping the compound next door in those her comfy-looking Pyjama trousers (not sure why this stuck!)
• ·         Repairing dad’s car with Namo and silently wondering who was going to be driving it again..
• ·         Seeing blood gushing out from the neck of the big Cow we killed for the occasion
• ·         Buying cartons of drinks for the Umuawuka youths after they finished “cleaning” the compound.
• ·         Seeing momsy’s clean-shaven head after the whole day had ended
• ·         Being startled at how one side of the grave caved in overnight after we had dug it the previous day
• ·         Recalling how annoyed Nda Finian Etoh was because he claimed we didn’t give Club 10 the priority treatment he felt they deserved..”sigh”

 

One way or the other, there are so many memories I can’t begin to detail here. I’m just eternally grateful to everyone who played a part in making sure my beloved dad was laid to rest properly. I cant start mentioning names or families here but I see you all and may God bless and replenish you all.

Blessed additions to the family

Hi guys,

So it's been a while i updated on the precious additions to our growing family... Within the past years, there's been so much to celebrate.

We've got more little ones who've come into the family and God willing will grow to be shining lights for us...

Without further ado...i present:

Kosisochukwu Adele Ibemere

Amazingly beautiful Koko...heartbreaker in the making(lol)...Chief Tyrant and second daughter of our oga Uche... don't be fooled by the angelic charm...this one issa tiger Queen!!

Chimamanda Kiara Ejimofor

Ahh...this one is very special to me too..My Chimmy baby....Another opinionated Queen( Just like Koko,i wonder if it's a second born thing). You cannot cheat this one o...She must have her own way..lol...Ugo's second child and my darling baby girl..


Sinobichukwu Nathaniel Ibemere

Our Chairman arrived and ended 2019 for the family in a very special way. Nobi, (nicknamed Chairman by his Dad Uche) is the complete addition for Uche's family...Bright smart and very good looking young man.. God bless you son..


Jidenna Andre Ibemere

So 2020 was not all doom and gloom. This wonderful young man came into the family to cheer us up from the loss of Dad and complete Nnamdi's growing family. God will make you great son..welcome.


For all of you asking about my own contributions to this growing list...lmao...Just chill...we're still on the way coming..

Year of the virus

Some very apt definitions of the year 2020 i saw on my favourite social media Twitter.

"If 2020 was a Nigerian Igbo or Yoruba man it'll be known as Mr. Ë.K Gwuru and Mr. O.T Sumi respectively."

Yes. That's how bad this year has been.

Can't recall a year that has not only started off on a sour/sad note but has gone on to take a real roller-coaster bitch of a dive!

And we're just in June month!!!!

Major personal ish for me is undoubtedly Pop's passing but worldwide, we've all fallen under the "Rona Spell".

When we're hopefully telling our grandkids of this year, we'll all refer to it as the Year of the virus

Mehn...it's been crazy. This Corona Virus of a thing has totally changed the way we know life to be worldwide.
As at time of this post, the whole world is just gradually emerging from months of mandatory lockdown......isolation/quarantine, no movement, no travel, no gatherings, mandatory mask wearing, hand sanitizers, social distancing...the works!.

Don't want to even start with how the Chinese Govt fucked up big time on this shit but suffice to say...it's effects have really been crazy everywhere.

First, and most important for me, at the time of this post,we still haven't buried my Dad. My Beloved Father has been lying in a mortuary for about 4 months now just because there is a ban on all gatherings and inter state travel!!

Also very important, people have died!!. Like it's maaad. So many folks have succumbed to this fucking Wuhan Virus and honestly last count at time of this post, death toll worldwide was about 400,000 plus. Insane. This is just for those who were actually tested and confirmed o..

We've been at home for months now...fortunately for a few of us, business could continue on a Work from Home basis.. thats how i've been stuck at home since March 26th and have only started coming back to the office recently even though salary has been slashed by 50%. Lots of folks have lost their jobs completely so i still consider myself fortunate in that regard.

The economy has tanked. Coupled with horrible governance, Naija wey no even stand well before is virtually in shambles...same with other world economies...

There have been protests all over the world about about racist treatment of blacks, We've had several women raped and killed in Nigeria... Fires and natural disasters in Australia and other places.... the list just goes on and on and on...

To add to the personal list of woes, i've had several people who i knew and loved all pass away this fucking year as well. (Thankfully, not from this fucking Wuhan shit)

• Uncle Goddy Ugorji
• Uncle Tony Agu
• Mr Dan Eromosele
• Nda Kabaka
• Aunty Mercy

Mehn...i'm tired. Real E K Gwuru.

AND IT'S STILL ONLY JUNE!!!!!

Dubai. That's the Place.

Hi everyone...In the midst of all the madness that this year has displayed, there's still been some personal news that hasnt been too gloomy.

I finally got to tick "International travel" off my bucket list.

Nairabet, for all her ups and downs, knows how to appreciate her staff from time to time. It's actually been coming for a while as last year, MD's PA calls and asks me to submit my travel documents because i'm one of the staff who've been approved for a one week,company sponsored, all expense paid trip to Cyprus!!!

Well, well well....i''m very excited and even if i do say so myself...i've fucking deserved it! worked my ass to the bone for the company and yeah...it's about time.

Panic sets in when PA starts talking about needing the documents asap as i recall that my passport has long expired..sharply, i contact Uche and Kathy and get details of someone at the Immigration office who can help speed things up.

PSA: Anything process related with Nigerian government parastatals has been designed from the get go to slowly frustrate the life out of you. Take note.

This process, even with the internal help from the guy there, eventually takes weeks during which i'm worried that the trip window might pass... only for the Cyprus embassy to change a lot of their normal visa requirements and bring in a bunch of new rules, chief of which is a required sum of more than one million naira in your personal account!! Kai!

After all the suffer i went through at the passport office to renew ...thats how the Cyprus trip just went up in smoke like that....

But my personal chi had already decided on the matter so after the "Cyprus affair", MD calls me and laughs at our obvious annoyance. Then she goes ahead to ask that we choose another destination that wouldn't require so much visa restrictions!! Yaay...!!

We (4 of us guys involved) deliberate on a lot of locations and finally settle on Dubai, U.A.E chiefly due to the least cost. Turns out it was an inspired choice.

Preparations for the Dubai trip begin at the start of the year and eventually we get our travel documents and every other thing fixed to go on the 9th of March.

(side note: It was in the midst of all this that Pop passed away in February...sorry, fucking february)

Drama on the morning of our trip as two of our guys get held up in an insane, once in a lifetime traffic on the way to the airport. Thankfully, i had the foresight to sleep over at Namo's place on the mainland and get Chigozie to drive me to the airport on time that day as final check in for the Etihad flight was due to close by 8.30am.

I got to the airport and started waiting for the rest of them to show up...mehn, like play like play...only one guy shows up eventually o and informs me that the other guys are still on their way!!...7am, 7.30, 8am... the two guys hadn't shown up yet!!

By this time, i place calls to them only to hear that they're still stuck in traffic at Ikoyi!!!!!. Most annoying thing is that one of them is in possession of the foreign currency we were supposed to have on us when we get there.
Wow...by 8.20 and being the last passengers who hadn't checked in, we decided to leave without them. Checked in and got ready to board. When we were seated and waiting to take off...thats when they started calling that they were outside the check in counter pleading to board. Long story short, they missed the flight and only two of us...Myself and Dipo got to take the trip that day.

Mahn....Now i fully understand what "International exposure" means..

The Etihad flight was awesome. Everything on board the plane seemed to have been designed with Luxury and comfort in mind. Blankets, in-flight entertainment, food, atmosphere...It was unreal!.

When we started circling down over Abu Dhabi...the sights alone of that country made me hate Naija with a vengeance!. My goodness.

I don't want to start sounding like one star struck backwoods person...but the UAE is stunningly beautiful.

Landed at Abu Dhabi Airport and the sheer size of the airport alone was a marvel. Caught a connecting bus ride to Dubai and ladies and gentlemen....to say Dubai is beautiful will be a gross gross understatement. It is breathtakingly amazing.

We had a little issue with trying to get to the hotel till i remembered that i was with my Mastercard and that changed everything. Got a taxi to the hotel (City Premiere at the Marina) 
and proceeded to have a blast of a week.

Guys...whatever happens in life, try to visit the UAE and Dubai at least once before you die... it's that important.

MY TRIP HIGHLIGHTS:

• All the beautiful Architecture...Sky scrapers, Roads, Underground Train system

• TOURIST ATTRACTIONS:

The Dubai Mall,

•  Fountain of lights, 
• The Burj Khalifa,
• 
•  Burj al Arab,
• 
•  The Palm Islands, Lost City of Atlantis...
•  
• Dubai Museum
• 
• The open air Marina, Cafes, beaches and sidewalks
• The Souk markets at the City center
• EVERYTHING in general

MORE VACAY PICS BELOW

Disclaimer: I didn't have the foresight to take a very good camera along. Pictures are courtesy of my long suffering Tecno POP 3 Pro. Manage them like that biko.