COVID 2.0

 

As if all the havoc it has caused is not enough, this Corona virus shit still keeps on doing the most.

Since inception, we’ve had more than a million people worldwide lose their lives to this fucking virus. Economies have been badly hit, lockdowns have been in place, schools shut, Churches/mosques shut, social distancing becomes the order of the day…. And even though there have been major strides in developing a vaccine, we still get more bad news all the time.

Imagine hearing that after the initial strain of COVID-19 has wreaked its havoc worldwide, there’s a new discovery of its mutant brother who is also coming to dance on the stage. Christ!!!

Not sure we are ready for another lockdown again o..the last one brought out all shades of evil in people here in Nigeria and it’s going to be a disaster.(to put it mildly).

Already developed countries are facing the second wave of the virus and more and more people are getting infected and dying daily.

You wanna hear something funny? There are literally millions of people who do not believe that the vaccine which has been developed can protect them and have vehemently stated that they’re not going to be vaccinated!! This is coming on the heels of this virus fucking shit up everywhere and making life a misery.

Still, we have these fools living with us. God help us.

#ENDSARS

 

Nigeria…the land of kolomentality.

Hi guys, it’s been a bit going on all year, and even though I haven’t had all the time in the world to post regularly (*minions eye roll*), let's just say this year is one for the books.

So, even though the Fucking Wuhan virus was sure to fuck up world economies as expected, trust Naija, our own economic recession was epic!! As in, things have become very expensive, there’s hunger in the land while some bastards hoarded palliatives meant to assist, jobs are scarce, the government is a colossal failure and everything had to come to a head somehow…

Cue in the #ENDSARS protests.

What started as an online regular protest against the idiots known as SARS*, took on a life of its own outside social media and escalated to full-blown coordinated protests against the government asking them to scrap the killer cops.

Coordination was so good and well organized that the clueless clowns in power were obviously scared and anticipating another Arab-Spring type of situation. So they resort to their evil tactics. While pretending to accede to the demands on one hand, they go full out with devious plans to quash the uprising on the other. Hired thugs are brought in to disrupt the protests and cause chaos, the usual suspects of tribalism and religion are employed (mostly in the north) and are unfortunately minorly successful in dividing parts of the populace. Still, the protests go on with youths banding together to strongly condemn SARS and all their evil practices and relations.

Finally, the Govt, fearing the worst, play their most devious hand.

October 20^th, 2020 the Lagos state Govt imposes a curfew and sends soldiers (with obvious instructions) to the Lekki toll gate to get rid of protesters.

Now, if there’s anything well known about Nigerian soldiers, majority of them, sorry to say it, lack basic common sense. These fools go to the toll gate venue and eventually open fire with LIVE FUCKING rounds on people gathered there!!!

Thanks to some live streams from the venue, we can see exactly whats going on and it’s an absolutely horrific scene. People are injured, shot and some blatantly murdered.

It’s an overwhelming shameful stain on our collective and honestly that day remains one of the worst days in a year chock full with horrible days.

The enormity of the decision takes its toll and Nigeria is prominently featured in a bad light the world over for a while. Unfortunately, it has the effect of ending street protests as honestly, nobody wants to die for this useless contraption called Nigeria. However, the government knows it has lost the people and we wait to see how things turn out.

Meanwhile life goes on in this patch of the world as we try and come to grips with the reality of living in this part of the world.

Mma Gracie...

 

2020. The year that keeps on taking.

My grandmum, Ma Grace Ejiogu has passed on to glory. Sigh.

Seems like people always reach out and tell you there’s no reason to mourn, as the person in question lived to a very ripe age of 95 and that it should be a celebration of life instead. I understand the sentiment but I wonder why its assumed that its not supposed to hurt when someone you love passes away at a very old age.

Now I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t the closest relative to my late grandma but the truth is that every single time we spent together over the past years, I could always feel the love this special woman had for me pouring out and showing in her very unique way.

I think of all of us, I got to spend the most time with Gracie Moses (her nickname of unknown origins). Mostly because I would often come back to the village on holidays back then in my school years in Calabar. I’d always be sure to spend some part of my time in Awaka with her because even rebellious teens back then still needed to feel pampered by Grandma’s love. And she took the pampering to another level in her own very special way.

Mama was old school. I am so certain that her own love language was performing acts of service and feeding you till you burst..Chai…who can forget the meals at Awaka!! She’d shuffle around (even with her painful arthritis) to ensure that there was always something hot and ever ready every single time we were around. I mean, it’s the little things you know.

She taught me lots of things as well. It was under her tutelage that I learned the basics of farming. Gracie used to take us to her massive farmland and work the land with us. She taught us how to process garri from scratch. Harvesting the tubers, peeling them, grinding, sacking the mash , and finally frying them to get the sweet grains.. in fact, I reckon I should include cassava peeling as one of my skills in my CV. That became my favorite chore when we had to do them.. Truth was that there were always lots of local girls back then helping out and they were always admiring this cool young town guy who didn’t mind peeling cassava and frying garri…lol

To my eternal chagrin, Gracie would always hover around and make sure they didn’t corrupt her sweet angelic grandson and she’d chase them off once any of them lingered too long after we’d finished. She wasn’t quite as effective as she thought though as I still have some very nostalgic memories of the bathroom stall at the back of the compound with some young nubile girls. Sigh.

Arthritis is a bitch. It caught up with her and slowed her down massively over the years. To the point that she eventually became bed-ridden and had to be taken care of by my wonderful aunt Theresa and later on by my parents when she had to stay with us at our home in the village for quite a while.

So many fond memories of her…She had this thing where she’d give every one of her grandchildren a special name that was hers and hers alone. It was a very endearing gesture and till she passed, she’s been the only one who calls me Azubuike..lol..

We’ll miss you grandma. Thanks for the love, care, memories, wisdom and for just being you.

Sleep well and say hi to pops when you guys surely meet on the other side.

Ps: This is one of my favorite videos of her I took much later on when she was with us.

 

Beach fun and a weird twist

 

As a follow up to our done and dusted nuptials, we plan a spur of the minute beach outing for the entire family the next day to just chill and unwind.

Oge and I are planners in chief and as always we try to get things rocking. Due to unfavorable past experience, we decide to forgo the Elegushi beach option and set our sights on one of the smaller beaches near our end of the island. We eventually settle for Barracuda beach and communicate to everyone involved.

It’s a good choice as we all set off from our different points on Sunday. I’m leading the way with Cassie so Oge’s people(who don’t know the way) link up with us around Abraham Adesanya and we head to the beach in a convoy.

We get there and turns out we are not the only ones with fun in mind. The place is packed. Goodness. After a lot of haggling, opposing viewpoints, and jostling, we secure space and get down to the business of fun.

It’s a great time, there’s quite a bit of booze, no thanks to the remnants from the party yesterday and as more people show up, more booze appears and kicks things into higher gears. There’s lots of good food as well. Vivian and her hubby have been generous as always, the ladies are having fun taking pictures by the water, inhibitions are being destroyed by the booze, Dance steps(weird, gawky, hilarious, professional, and sometimes forgettable) are being unveiled, the kids were scrambling everywhere.. and as the sun goes down its really looking like a very memorable outing.

Things couldn’t get any better when we sight Emeka strolling into the party venue and there’s a wild shout as we welcome him. He’s handed a bottle of Hennesey and dancing continues.

Now Oge, my co-organizer had been conspicuously absent as he claimed he was still on his way and stuck in traffic somewhere. He arrived a bit later and asked me to come help him lug the whole crate of fresh booze he’s brought along with him. Yes o!!

No time to waste..I go to the car park and meet up with him. Surprise surprise, he’s with Kelechi!! Yaay!. I mean, what could be better? Both my Yankee cousins both coming to have fun with us together.

We pick up the bottles and head to the venue.

The reception on seeing us is even more uproaring….fresh bottles of champagne start getting popped and wow…This is a good party!

In the midst of all this, I notice Emeka gradually distancing himself from the group. Concerned, Chioma and I head off to find out what was wrong and he assures us that nothing’s up. I’m a bit doubtful because he has this strange gleam in his eyes….he moves off closer to the water, Chioma heads back and I decide to stick with him.

Everything went south from thereon.

Apparently, Kelechi had moved off from the group as well and was close to where we stood. Emeka sees Kelechi,(blood brothers by the way) and starts calling and cussing him out and basically asking him to come fight!!

WHAAAAT!! What the absolute fuck is going on here??

Kelechi, being the strong-headed ex-marine, is not the type to ignore or turn away from such taunts and makes a beeline for Emeka and me.

TF??I try to calm things down and appeal to Emeka to stop with the insults. Might have well been talking to the rocks.

Kelechi stops near us and they both start cursing each other out. Emeka very obviously wants to fight and tells his brother in no uncertain terms that he will fuck him up righteously. At this point, it’s becoming a very obvious spectacle and onlookers are slowly gathering. I’m frantic at this point and really begging both of them to cool down. No dice.

When it’s looking inevitable, very fortunately, Kelechi looks over to me and hands over his prized Marine dagger. An evil-looking blade that looks capable of serious damage and asks Emeka to try and touch him if he dares.

Emeka is only too pleased at the invitation and launches a punch at his brother that partially catches me on the cheek as well. All hell breaks loose after that.

Everything becomes a blur from then as I see them start to fight and exchange serious blows. Emeka obviously has the upper hand in this (both are ex-army guys btw) and drags Kel into the sand near the sea as they continued pummeling themselves.

Omo!!...i run off to get help and virtually drag Oge from the party, briefing him on what's going on as we race down to the beach where they are. OGE GOES INSANE.

Now, it’s worth mentioning that Oge has a legendary temper and is not someone you want to mess around with.

He sees them still fighting and starts to yell, scream and curse them both. At a point when they don’t even answer him, he strips naked and jumps in the fray to push them apart. My goodness!

Fortunately, Emeka, who’s clearly having the upper hand of this duel, lands a few more, disengages, and quickly moves away. Kel is clearly seriously injured but gets up, grabs me, and DEMANDS for his knife. He is swearing to commit fratricide and with the look in his eye, I have no doubt of his intentions and deliberately refuse to give it to him. He looks ready to kill me but limps off in no direction apparently to secure another weapon.

Everyone was really agitated at this point and the security guys were threatening to throw us out. Oge is really distraught and openly crying at this show of shame, the kids and the women were all scared and so we quickly coordinate them to start leaving asap. We pack up and everyone starts heading off in distress to the car park.

I see Emeka being held by Nnamdi and a few others. So I go off and at this point am openly begging him to leave so we avoid an impending disaster. Fortunately, and apparently against his will, he agrees and heads off to Uche’s car which he used to come. Most weird of all, he has this smile on his face like he’s done something that had been in the works for a while.

As he starts the car, I see Kelechi in the distance still raving around and say a silent prayer for this day to be over. Fat chance of that.

Emeka leaves and I go over to find Kel. Fuck! He’s badly hurt.

He’s wet, locks all covered in sand and his clothes are torn. He’s got serious bruises and worst of all, his hand is badly dislocated at the shoulder.

For context, due to serious war injuries, Kelechi was honorably discharged from the army and has been on some serious medication ever since. Now imagine someone, not in the best of health with these preconditions who had previously been managed very well in the US stuck in Nigeria and getting this badly injured.

Even worse, his flight back to the US is fixed for the next day!!

Kel is a mess and in some serious pain. Cussing everyone and everything while trying to cope with the pain. We, fortunately, recover his passport and some other documents lying around in the sand. Joe and I decided to get him to a hospital quickly and convert Vivian’s car to a makeshift ambulance. With Joe driving, we head off with him and that journey to Doren hospital is one I’m not likely to forget in a hurry.

Between Kelechi screaming for help and graphically insulting both of us for trying to help him (just imagine!!), we’re navigating bad roads from the beach and trying to hold his back and shoulder steady. It’s a nightmare.

Further compounded on reaching Doren hospital and they refuse to do anything until we register him and pay for a specialist who has to come and treat him. I’m massively irritated at this point and take it out on the idiots there who don’t even bat an eyelid.

Summary of the whole stupid hospital episode, we gather funds, pay for an orthopedic doctor who comes and treats him after knocking him out with some injections. Doctor categorically tells us Kel is in no state to travel and insists on saying we’re going against his medical advice if we decide to leave.

Of course, by this time, we’re tired, frustrated, and really pissed off with both Kelechi and Emeka, (who by the way had been calling me to send a picture of his brother in the hospital). But Kel had a flight to catch and couldn’t miss it for anything.

Of course, the first thing Kelechi did on waking up, was to rip off the sling the doctor had taken ages to set and set off the whole pain process again. At that point,(around 2.30am) Joe and I couldn’t give a damn anymore and decide to leave the hospital for home. After some drama with missing car keys and other rubbish, we depart for home totally deflated.

 

p.s – there were obviously issues between them I’m not at liberty to mention here. Kelechi managed to get on the flight that afternoon and head back home. Emeka apologized for everything and left later on too.

Spiritually Sealed

 

Part 3 of the wedding trilogy continues…dan…dan…da dan….

So our whirlwind year continues and the weeks following the traditional wedding have been absolutely amazing. We’ve been in bliss at how well we pulled it off and start concentrating on the final leg : The Church or white wedding.

Once again, all credit to my beautiful wife who’s a bit of an organizing freak….we move!

Now recall that we’ve been attending “marriage classes” starting around January this year at a lovely church in VGC -Catholic Church of the Transfiguration and trust me..that one is a whole different story… if you know anything about me by now, it’d be very obvious that this was something I would detest attending and if it wasn’t a requirement by the church and Chinky’s arm twisting, I’d have gladly found a way to skip through it all. Anyway, as with all new realizations, it turned out not to be as horrible as I thought it was going to be and some of the classes were actually fun. We had mostly good teachers who made the classes entertaining enough so I didn’t have to hang myself. Even though COVID put a halt at some point during the year, we managed to finish it up and get “church certified” for marriage.

We also had some pre-wedding counseling sessions with our spiritual counselor Rev Fr Matthew (who, my minions assured me and I suspected had a very colorful life before joining the vineyard). Very nice guy though…didn’t put too much pressure on us and took his time to arrange everything properly.

So things are moving in gear….we had managed to uproot Mom from her mourning period and sent her a flight ticket to come down to lagos. Lolo* was very happy to do so and came down with Confidence (yaay!) who I had picked earlier from the bus park. Emeka is also still around for the period and wonder of all wonders, Kelechi makes a spur of the minute decision to also come in from the US for my wedding. WOW. It's great to have him around and the whole family is feeling really chuffed at the time. We had worried over locations for the reception and finally(after offers from Kathy and Ugo to host it) decided to use a very lovely hotel ballroom close by. Chioma and I met with the managers and managed to get very good deals on the room rates, reception venue rates as well as drinks and service for the day. Other things were taken care of….I got our office caterer to handle food for the day (even though Mom still prepared her own occasion food later as usual).

One thing I really have to give thanks for was the support we received from family and friends everywhere. One decision we made, was to keep the number of guests at a minimum due to church requirements, COVID(fucking Wuhan virus) regulations, financial prudence, and the general wish on both parts to have a small wedding. So invitations were selectively sent(let me just report here that Chioma threatened me if I went outside the list) and people really understood and still lent their full support.

October 3^rd finally dawned, but first, let me gist a bit about the bachelor’s eve…lol…

The previous day, without my knowledge, the guys had all planned something to celebrate my “retirement”. I was just given instructions to present myself at Uche’s place at a certain time and be ready to have fun. Kelechi and I had done a lot of running around earlier and in between bouts of driving me crazy with his financial recklessness, me trying my hardest not to forget anything important, answering tons of calls and coordinating several things at once, the day quickly breezed away. We got to Uche’s place later that evening and there’s an expectant atmosphere. The guys are all there…Emeka, Kelechi, Chigozie, Oge, Uche, IK(Chioma’s brother), and a couple of other guys….We start pre-gaming on bottles of Patron and I’m given one bottle all to myself (See pic inserted below) (with hindsight, big mistake!). We play video games till it’s suitably late enough and then head out to….you guessed right….the strip club!

Of course, any discerning gentleman in Lagos knows that there’s only one very correct Men’s club to head to, and being the premium guys that we are, we set off for Silver Fox. By this time, seeing as I had hardly had anything serious to eat before getting to Uche’s place, I’m pretty much happily buzzed on Patron and therefore will discreetly draw a veil on all further activities for the night since I can’t even remember anything anyway….lol.

The next morning, we’re up bright and early in the hotel room (Chioma at least anyway. I was still zonked out) and the big day gets in gear. We had a suite so Chioma’s make up artist and other attendants had slept over in the adjoining room and they started their preparations on her on time (thank God). Our fantastic photographer came as well and started off with all his gimmickry. After all the usual drama of wedding mornings, we are set to go and head off to the church in Jesse’s car.

You know something, I’ve had lots of thoughts about how my wedding day would go and really, the universe just seemed to align and accede to my unspoken wishes.

Chioma was amazingly beautiful. Her gown was a work of art and being the beauty that she is, she made the dress come alive. The church building and the location was very well situated, the weather bent to our will and was all beautiful sunshine, people were happy and it just promised to be an all-round great day. Fortunately, everything went according to plan.

I watched her dad walk Chioma down the church aisle and at that moment, I’m not sure why I started having nostalgic thoughts of how I wished Nze could have been here as well. Sigh.

The mass was beautifully short and sweet, Chioma and I recited all the famous words when asked and Fr Matthew pronounced us Man and Wife in the eyes of the church and everywhere else!!! YAAAAAAYYYY!!

The rest of the church ceremony went by in a haze of songs, signings and so many pictures! Bidemi , our photographer really outdid himself (self reminder to send him a bonus) and then we headed to the reception venue.

The reception also goes as planned. We had not wanted the usual wedding reception so we had themed ours a “wedding lunch” which was what it turned out exactly. Our guests showed up and had lots to eat and drink. Chioma and I were going round the venue, gisting, laughing and interacting with everyone. Asides some fuck up with the power going off for a while, everything else was just perfect.

Everyone was expecting us to turn up on the dance floor and trust your people, we did not disappoint. At a point, the whole thing just turned into a free for all party and even though I say so myself, it was a fucking great wedding party.

The highlight was also when Chioma’s parent’s and their guests all made a very special presentation to us and gifted us so many items. Absolutely amazing.

All good things have to come to an end though and ladies and gentlemen, the end of this party wraps up this special period in my life where I get to start the rest of my life with this amazing woman beside me.

To Chinky, my beautiful wife, Thank you for loving and accepting me. I promise to always love you and treat you right. You are literally the best thing that has happened to me

To my amazing family here and in diaspora, thanks for the prayers, love and support. You all rock.

To the Nwokorokus, thanks for accepting me and gifting me with this whole new amazing family. God bless you guys.

 

That’s it folks. Cheers!

 

*Lolo – Mummy’s official traditional title.

Traditionally Tied.

 

Hey people, I’m back again!! Writers block be damned.

Goodness, it's been a tough couple of months for Nigerians…more on that later.

So, as promised, the continuation of the Marriage Trilogy.

After all the giddy excitement of the court stuff got over, we sat down to review plans for the trad wedding. Kudos once again to Chinks*…she had almost singlehandedly mapped out all the plans for everything. I’m talking lists, charts, reminders, spreadsheets…the works! My own na to look over plans, voice my concerns, contribute my opinion, and eventually get overruled by hers. lol.

September 19^th was the set date and it seemed like the weeks in between just breezed by….Mahn, carrying out a traditional wedding is not a pot of beans o.. There were lots of stuff to do beforehand but thank goodness for family and friends who all chipped in and made most of the work light.

First up…sort out the wedding list.

Okay, for those who don’t know, there’s always a well tabulated list of items the groom is given to provide before he is deemed worthy to whisk away any fair maiden from her people in Igboland. To be honest, the quantities of most of the listed stuff are often outrageously inflated in order to get as much as possible from the Groom’s people and normally, a very good haggling session is expected from both parties (Ahhh…here’s where I miss my dear Nze, who had achieved legendary status in negotiation skills while he was with us)

Now recall that my darling beautiful wonderful Chinky** hails from the town of Mbaise, that renowned land revered for their folklore, famous warriors, fair maidens AND their absolutely insane wedding list requirements!!

Wow, i had been sent their list much earlier this year and let's just say the phrase “reel in shock” applied perfectly.

But here’s where I know how lucky I’ve been to meet my wife and her family. During one of our previous visits to her parents' house earlier this year before the occasion, My father in law (to be at that point) calls me aside and we discuss this list mano-a-mano. Amazingly, he tells me he personally doesn’t approve of this so-called list which was drawn up from the different village groups and suggests a way of getting things done which wouldn’t wreck my already limited pocket!! Wow, it’s certainly not unheard of but this gesture from him is so wonderful that I can only pray God to keep them alive long enough for us to spoil silly!! God bless my in-laws…They’re absolutely good people.

Also, since the fucking Wuhan virus was still raging and on the prompting of my in-laws, the location for the wedding was fixed here in Lagos at their house in Ogun state. I’m pretty sure there were lots of raised eyebrows from certain people since conventionally, trad weddings are usually held in the village but at this point, we don’t care and we’re doing what we want. (Bonus to this is that it’ll save us so much more from grabby hands in the village)

Still lots to get done though so we gather all the saved up funds and allocate as necessary. We had already discussed and paid for necessary logistics with my mom in law, Ugo had gone to the market for me and bought some of the necessary items, Uche and Nnamdi had gotten some more drinks from their respective offices and were coordinating movement plans for the day, Chima volunteered their car to also assist with logistics, I got my tailor friend to design a lovely outfit for me, we designed a nice wedding invitation and sent to groups of friends, informed most of the people we wanted actually present that day (we had decided to keep it as small as possible), I had gotten a bus released from the office to convey people to the venue that day, I arranged with Uncle Maurice to run point on all things from our side that day and gotten Uncle Ken to travel down from Enugu for the wedding.(My cousin Emeka, fantastic guy that he is also traveled all the way from the U.S despite all the risks and was present that day). Finally, I had commissioned my palm wine plug to provide 50 liters of palm wine for the occasion. (In hindsight, the guy was a fucking moron!).

Whew!! Quite a bit right. I know.

September 19^th dawns bright and beautiful. Mike, my good buddy shows up early as possible with the office bus driven by one of our staff drivers Musti. we get prepared to leave and horror of all horrors…my palm wine guy fails to show up. Bear in mind that I had promised my father in law sufficient quantity of palm wine to be made readily available that day and you get a picture of how my heart started racing.

We set off to look for this clown who doesn’t pick his call. Good thing is that he lives in my estate so we track him down to where he claims he had gone to tap the wine that morning. The idiot shows me four miserable liters that he’s collected and promised to get more from one of his friends. Considering that I had given this fool ample notice and paid him in advance, I’m literally ready to tear his head off but I manage to calm myself down and we go to look for his friend who of course never shows up. At this point we’re running late so, I take what he manages to gather in a keg and we set off to pick Ugochi and head off to Nnamdi’s place where we are to converge before moving to the venue (which was quite the distance tbh). Getting to Nnamdi’s place took a bit of time as well and by now, we are well and truly behind schedule factoring in Lagos traffic. Mother of horrors comes up when Mike (very fortunately) tastes the palm wine we got from that bastard before we leave and discovers that it is, to put it lightly, totally spoilt and very rancid.

They have to start calming me down at this point because WTF!!! If I had laid hands on that guy at that point, I’d have been celebrating my trad wedding from a jail cell. Thank God for Uche (My cousin Nnenna’s husband) who knows one or two connects and hooks me up with a guy who promises to have some ready for us to pick up on our way to the venue. Praise Jah!

After more drama with Uche (my brother)’s car which got damaged on the way to Nnamdi’s place and more time wasted getting everyone prepped and ready (Uncle Maurice who we were supposed to meet around Iju had been calling and calling), we finally set off.

Suffice to say, lagos traffic played it’s usual part that day and after a long ass journey (during which we stopped to pick up the fresh, sweet palm wine) through literally one of the worst roads we’ve ever driven on, we finally arrived at the Nwokoroku compound and the rest of the day picked up amazingly well and was awesome!

The ceremony went without a hitch, Chioma looked stunningly beautiful (see pics below), Negotiations for the bride price and other items on the dreaded list was smoothly handled by Uncle Maurice (God bless my father in law again. Man’s a rock star!) Uncle Ken actually said he’s never seen any negotiation ceremony go that smoothly without any issue. The women part of the list was handled by aunty Ugboaku and didn’t even raise any issue as they all deliberated and concluded before the men.

The MC was lively, crowd was well fed and jovial, All the usual traditional ceremonies played out very nicely and after a great time, Chioma and I found ourselves eventually kneeling before her parents for their final blessings before we left. After very specific pointed requests for us to produce twin children on time (lol) and the usual dancing and spraying, my wife (yes, I can use that word proudly now) packed her things into the bus and we set off back home with my crew after one of the most amazing days of my life!. Whew…

 

End of part 2.

 

*Chinks – Pet name for my girl.

**Chinky – variant of Chinks

Legally looped

 

Hi everyone…

I’m not gonna lie, this year has been one tough ride all through. It feels like there’s just been blow after blow after blow and it’s so easy to just lay back and wallow in the insanity that is the year 2020 but as Nigerians say it…we move!!

In the midst of all the madness, we still have to count our blessings and I thank God every day for Chioma in my life..you know when people often urge you to get it right with regards to all things marriage related, well, I have to say I hit the lottery.

Anyway, we had been planning ever since on how to get our wedding plans going (yes, you heard right) and like the war general that she is when it comes to planning, Chioma sat me down and laid out the invasion plans for the capture of my heart… lol...

So, apparently, for those who don’t know, there are generally three ceremonies to fulfill this obligation.. a court wedding, a traditional wedding and a white/church wedding.

 

First stop. Court wedding.

Note that we’re in the middle of the fucking Wuhan virus pandemic and things have generally shut down everywhere. However, as with all things Nigerian, there are always ways around. So, our friends, Emeka and Ekene had done theirs a little while earlier and I had to call him and ask for the procedure. Mahn, na wa o ..the processes promised to be as complicated as trying to do legitimate business in this country.

Thank God Emeka introduced me to one guy who is some sort of big shot at the Ikoyi marriage registry who promised to make things a bit easier for us. So I get dressed one fine Tuesday and head to the registry to commence the procedures.. Chai, this country sucks big time!! Had to go through some back door channels with the guy so we could fill out all the forms, pay about 35k, and eventually get registered.

Fast forward three weeks later, Chioma virtually twisted my arms and I’m staring down the barrel of a pre-wedding photo session on the morning of the court wedding with a fantastic guy who we’ve hired to be our wedding photographer.

Barring some normal drama with the makeup artist who shows up very late on the day, the photo session actually goes very well and just goes to highlight the foolishness of my aversion to taking pictures because your boy was looking very hot-saucy!! (Special shout out to my fantastic tailor Didi, my former colleague at Visafone who runs @tuxboxbespoke)

Mike is there as my witness, Ify is there to stand for Chioma and since the registry was very very specific about allowing just two guests per couple, the four of us head off to the court after the shoot is finally over.

We get there a bit late and find tons of other couples already there before us. To their credit though, everything looks well organized especially as all the crowd who must have insisted on following their couples (trust Nigerians) were mandated to stay outside the premises of the registry. We write down our names, get extorted to buy one stupid handout on Nigerian marriage laws and we’re asked to wait our turn behind everyone already there.

I guess I have to reluctantly acknowledge the fact that knowing someone at this sort of places actually helps smoothen the whole process because our big shot guy comes along and after some procedural shenanigans and acting for the camera, he whisks us off past the line of waiting couples into the registry and fast tracks the whole thing for us. The knowledge that we would have been waiting there for hours under the hot sun effectively silences all my moral objections (yeah yeah..i know…don't rub it in) and after a relatively short while (and lots of bloody requests for gratification from these corrupt mofos) Chioma and I find ourselves seated in front of one sanctimonious guy acknowledging to live with and love each other forever under Nigerian Law.

After a few statements of intentions and exchange of rings, The guy berates us to love ourselves, goes ahead to extort his own egunje in the form of “offerings” from everyone including our poor witnesses, sings some funny choruses in his toady voice and finally guides us through the process of filling out and signing the forms indicating that we’re now officially married in the eyes of this country!!

 YAAAYY!!

All this in less than 20 minutes.

We go out to take the regular pictures under the famous Ikoyi registry banner, and get extorted some more by the court-appointed photo/videographer who make us pay an exorbitant sum of money for them.

At this point, We’re just happy enough to get the hell out of there and grab lunch nearby….

END OF PART ONE.

Peep some of the pictures below and tell me we're not one helluva lovely couple😎😎

That post you never thought would happen

 

Hey guys…Great news...

I GOT ENGAGED!!!

So, I had been mulling over it for quite some time earlier this year, and to be absolutely honest, Chioma checked all the boxes in the most spectacular ways. Why the fuck would I waste any more time?

Went online, found a lovely jewelry store, and got a nice ring.

I know she must have had some sort of idea about the whole thing especially as I made reservations at a Chinese restaurant one night..lol…anyway, it went awesome.

 In the middle of some sweet and sour duck soup (I think) after a lot of fidgeting on my part (very understandable) your guy strikes up the mushy conversation, looks her straight in the eyes, tells her how much he loves her and needs her in his life, brings out the white box, goes down on one knee, and does the deed. Of course, she couldn’t say no to this hunk of lovely 100-yard man-candy marriage material… I slip the ring on, we kiss and our waiter comes along to congratulate us.

Ladies, gents, minions and all, that’s how the single life officially ends for me and I hang my well-worn (oh, so very well worn) boots and retire my jersey from the game….(Insert wild applause and ovation from the cheering crowd here)

Nze goes to rest

 

In my alternate life, I’m very sure I’m the king that the Procrasti-Nation remembers as their founding father because that’s the only thing that can explain away this apathy and gaps in time for my blog posts… I think it's always better whenever I just decide to write and start typing away…

Anyways…There’s been a lot going on and went on…

Still can’t believe it at times, but sometimes, I randomly just remember that Pops is gone and I just feel one kind of way for a while. It's like there’s this very heavy load which someone’s dropped on my chest and I have to be very conscious and deliberate about taking deep breaths just to overcome it.

So notwithstanding this fucking Chinese virus still wreaking havoc everywhere, we had to sit down and deliberately decide to go ahead with giving Nze the befitting burial that he so rightly deserves.

To be honest, it was a totally overwhelming task.

Right from the first day we all gathered at my place to discuss how things were going to go, the sheer magnitude of this whole thing was very evident.

Look, I really really cannot stress the importance of having an immediate family that is in tune with each other. I have been so blessed to have the family I do that even through the sadness and grief, we still managed to sit together, make decisions, reach out to people and deliberate on how we would want the whole thing to go without any form of issues. God bless us all.

I was put in charge of handling finances for the burial and now I understand why pops always kept detailed records for everything he always did. Good thing because at a point, there was always so much to record and write down and take note and jot down and clarify and provide information on and calculate and so on and so forth…crazy!.

The date was fixed for July 17^th and oh boy..did it go down or what!

I really can’t get into too much detail about how the whole thing went but suffice to say, and even though I say so myself, I think we managed to send Nze Cosmas off very well to the great beyond.

There were so many moments and emotions to remember….sad ones, grief-filled ones, laughter, drama but the major one that really stuck with me was:

The sense of how well-loved my Dad was to the whole community. I mean the love and goodwill were MASSIVE. Everyone wanted to play a part in the whole thing and even though they couldn’t contribute financially, the villagers and everyone else involved all made sure they did what they could to make it a success. (Insert tears here)

Other memories of the burial are really random things that somehow imprint themselves in my brain and give my minions(been a while I mentioned them) fodder for thought..in no particular order…:

• ·         His Traditional chieftaincy chair(or is it throne?) cordoned off with ribbons
• ·         Standing beside Nda Joe from Dad’s maternal home to mark the spot where the grave would be dug..
• ·         The village youths all gathering to mount the gigantic banner that we had made for the occasion
• ·         Sitting with Nnamdi on dad’s insanely firm bed and talking about random things
•  ·         Comforting Ugo at the mortuary when we when there for the final viewing of the body
• ·         Hearing that strange whirring sound of the drone we used to capture burial footage
• ·         Drinking Olmeca at the sit out with Oge and the rest of the guys
• ·         Watching the rainmaker clown get away with extorting everyone because they didn’t want rain to fall (which it eventually did)
• ·         Seeing Chioma sweeping the compound next door in those her comfy-looking Pyjama trousers (not sure why this stuck!)
• ·         Repairing dad’s car with Namo and silently wondering who was going to be driving it again..
• ·         Seeing blood gushing out from the neck of the big Cow we killed for the occasion
• ·         Buying cartons of drinks for the Umuawuka youths after they finished “cleaning” the compound.
• ·         Seeing momsy’s clean-shaven head after the whole day had ended
• ·         Being startled at how one side of the grave caved in overnight after we had dug it the previous day
• ·         Recalling how annoyed Nda Finian Etoh was because he claimed we didn’t give Club 10 the priority treatment he felt they deserved..”sigh”

 

One way or the other, there are so many memories I can’t begin to detail here. I’m just eternally grateful to everyone who played a part in making sure my beloved dad was laid to rest properly. I cant start mentioning names or families here but I see you all and may God bless and replenish you all.

Blessed additions to the family

Hi guys,

So it's been a while i updated on the precious additions to our growing family... Within the past years, there's been so much to celebrate.

We've got more little ones who've come into the family and God willing will grow to be shining lights for us...

Without further ado...i present:

Kosisochukwu Adele Ibemere

Amazingly beautiful Koko...heartbreaker in the making(lol)...Chief Tyrant and second daughter of our oga Uche... don't be fooled by the angelic charm...this one issa tiger Queen!!

Chimamanda Kiara Ejimofor

Ahh...this one is very special to me too..My Chimmy baby....Another opinionated Queen( Just like Koko,i wonder if it's a second born thing). You cannot cheat this one o...She must have her own way..lol...Ugo's second child and my darling baby girl..


Sinobichukwu Nathaniel Ibemere

Our Chairman arrived and ended 2019 for the family in a very special way. Nobi, (nicknamed Chairman by his Dad Uche) is the complete addition for Uche's family...Bright smart and very good looking young man.. God bless you son..


Jidenna Andre Ibemere

So 2020 was not all doom and gloom. This wonderful young man came into the family to cheer us up from the loss of Dad and complete Nnamdi's growing family. God will make you great son..welcome.


For all of you asking about my own contributions to this growing list...lmao...Just chill...we're still on the way coming..

Year of the virus

Some very apt definitions of the year 2020 i saw on my favourite social media Twitter.

"If 2020 was a Nigerian Igbo or Yoruba man it'll be known as Mr. Ë.K Gwuru and Mr. O.T Sumi respectively."

Yes. That's how bad this year has been.

Can't recall a year that has not only started off on a sour/sad note but has gone on to take a real roller-coaster bitch of a dive!

And we're just in June month!!!!

Major personal ish for me is undoubtedly Pop's passing but worldwide, we've all fallen under the "Rona Spell".

When we're hopefully telling our grandkids of this year, we'll all refer to it as the Year of the virus

Mehn...it's been crazy. This Corona Virus of a thing has totally changed the way we know life to be worldwide.
As at time of this post, the whole world is just gradually emerging from months of mandatory lockdown......isolation/quarantine, no movement, no travel, no gatherings, mandatory mask wearing, hand sanitizers, social distancing...the works!.

Don't want to even start with how the Chinese Govt fucked up big time on this shit but suffice to say...it's effects have really been crazy everywhere.

First, and most important for me, at the time of this post,we still haven't buried my Dad. My Beloved Father has been lying in a mortuary for about 4 months now just because there is a ban on all gatherings and inter state travel!!

Also very important, people have died!!. Like it's maaad. So many folks have succumbed to this fucking Wuhan Virus and honestly last count at time of this post, death toll worldwide was about 400,000 plus. Insane. This is just for those who were actually tested and confirmed o..

We've been at home for months now...fortunately for a few of us, business could continue on a Work from Home basis.. thats how i've been stuck at home since March 26th and have only started coming back to the office recently even though salary has been slashed by 50%. Lots of folks have lost their jobs completely so i still consider myself fortunate in that regard.

The economy has tanked. Coupled with horrible governance, Naija wey no even stand well before is virtually in shambles...same with other world economies...

There have been protests all over the world about about racist treatment of blacks, We've had several women raped and killed in Nigeria... Fires and natural disasters in Australia and other places.... the list just goes on and on and on...

To add to the personal list of woes, i've had several people who i knew and loved all pass away this fucking year as well. (Thankfully, not from this fucking Wuhan shit)

• Uncle Goddy Ugorji
• Uncle Tony Agu
• Mr Dan Eromosele
• Nda Kabaka
• Aunty Mercy

Mehn...i'm tired. Real E K Gwuru.

AND IT'S STILL ONLY JUNE!!!!!

Dubai. That's the Place.

Hi everyone...In the midst of all the madness that this year has displayed, there's still been some personal news that hasnt been too gloomy.

I finally got to tick "International travel" off my bucket list.

Nairabet, for all her ups and downs, knows how to appreciate her staff from time to time. It's actually been coming for a while as last year, MD's PA calls and asks me to submit my travel documents because i'm one of the staff who've been approved for a one week,company sponsored, all expense paid trip to Cyprus!!!

Well, well well....i''m very excited and even if i do say so myself...i've fucking deserved it! worked my ass to the bone for the company and yeah...it's about time.

Panic sets in when PA starts talking about needing the documents asap as i recall that my passport has long expired..sharply, i contact Uche and Kathy and get details of someone at the Immigration office who can help speed things up.

PSA: Anything process related with Nigerian government parastatals has been designed from the get go to slowly frustrate the life out of you. Take note.

This process, even with the internal help from the guy there, eventually takes weeks during which i'm worried that the trip window might pass... only for the Cyprus embassy to change a lot of their normal visa requirements and bring in a bunch of new rules, chief of which is a required sum of more than one million naira in your personal account!! Kai!

After all the suffer i went through at the passport office to renew ...thats how the Cyprus trip just went up in smoke like that....

But my personal chi had already decided on the matter so after the "Cyprus affair", MD calls me and laughs at our obvious annoyance. Then she goes ahead to ask that we choose another destination that wouldn't require so much visa restrictions!! Yaay...!!

We (4 of us guys involved) deliberate on a lot of locations and finally settle on Dubai, U.A.E chiefly due to the least cost. Turns out it was an inspired choice.

Preparations for the Dubai trip begin at the start of the year and eventually we get our travel documents and every other thing fixed to go on the 9th of March.

(side note: It was in the midst of all this that Pop passed away in February...sorry, fucking february)

Drama on the morning of our trip as two of our guys get held up in an insane, once in a lifetime traffic on the way to the airport. Thankfully, i had the foresight to sleep over at Namo's place on the mainland and get Chigozie to drive me to the airport on time that day as final check in for the Etihad flight was due to close by 8.30am.

I got to the airport and started waiting for the rest of them to show up...mehn, like play like play...only one guy shows up eventually o and informs me that the other guys are still on their way!!...7am, 7.30, 8am... the two guys hadn't shown up yet!!

By this time, i place calls to them only to hear that they're still stuck in traffic at Ikoyi!!!!!. Most annoying thing is that one of them is in possession of the foreign currency we were supposed to have on us when we get there.
Wow...by 8.20 and being the last passengers who hadn't checked in, we decided to leave without them. Checked in and got ready to board. When we were seated and waiting to take off...thats when they started calling that they were outside the check in counter pleading to board. Long story short, they missed the flight and only two of us...Myself and Dipo got to take the trip that day.

Mahn....Now i fully understand what "International exposure" means..

The Etihad flight was awesome. Everything on board the plane seemed to have been designed with Luxury and comfort in mind. Blankets, in-flight entertainment, food, atmosphere...It was unreal!.

When we started circling down over Abu Dhabi...the sights alone of that country made me hate Naija with a vengeance!. My goodness.

I don't want to start sounding like one star struck backwoods person...but the UAE is stunningly beautiful.

Landed at Abu Dhabi Airport and the sheer size of the airport alone was a marvel. Caught a connecting bus ride to Dubai and ladies and gentlemen....to say Dubai is beautiful will be a gross gross understatement. It is breathtakingly amazing.

We had a little issue with trying to get to the hotel till i remembered that i was with my Mastercard and that changed everything. Got a taxi to the hotel (City Premiere at the Marina) 
and proceeded to have a blast of a week.

Guys...whatever happens in life, try to visit the UAE and Dubai at least once before you die... it's that important.

MY TRIP HIGHLIGHTS:

• All the beautiful Architecture...Sky scrapers, Roads, Underground Train system

• TOURIST ATTRACTIONS:

The Dubai Mall,

•  Fountain of lights, 
• The Burj Khalifa,
• 
•  Burj al Arab,
• 
•  The Palm Islands, Lost City of Atlantis...
•  
• Dubai Museum
• 
• The open air Marina, Cafes, beaches and sidewalks
• The Souk markets at the City center
• EVERYTHING in general

MORE VACAY PICS BELOW

Disclaimer: I didn't have the foresight to take a very good camera along. Pictures are courtesy of my long suffering Tecno POP 3 Pro. Manage them like that biko.