Holiday blues

Hey peeps,

What is it that gets me very depressed during the holiday season??

I've never really been a holiday person. Everyone else is festive and cheerful and i'm like "whatever"......

I'm just sitting here, wondering how to cheer myself up this Christmas and i cant come up with a single idea. Travelling to the village is almost out of the question, travelling for travel sake is not possible right now, no special one to share the season with, bank accounts terribly in the red, Manchester united messing up, no fuel, black market selling at 2500 for 10 litres, One dollar at two hundred and fifty something naira, house rent due next year, heavy thoughts all over the place.....*sigh*...

Something needs to give soon!!

Right now, it's looking like a long, boring Christmas holiday to be spent with my laptop. Its one thing to want something and something else on whether you can actually get it.This lack of finance is really killing me.

What i want for christmas? Nwanne, hapu ife a ,i long for positive bank alerts!!!

Right now, its obvious that i'm just ranting so i will just close this post and go prepare for our Christmas party...

Oh, Merry Christmas to you all in advance.

The American dream...

Hi guys,

I was watching some breaking news on CNN about a mass shooting in San Bernadino, California and a very frightening statistic jumped out at me.

So far in 2015, the number of mass shootings(a shooting which results in three or more casualties) in the US alone has surpassed the number of days in a year!!!

i.e - on the average in 2015 so far, there have been at least one mass shooting EVERY freaking day!!.

What in God's name is wrong with this world?

It really beats me how someone wakes up, goes about his life's business and gets so disgruntled as to actually pick up a weapon and actively end so many other lives.

My dear, i don't know if it's just a white people thing or not, but it's simply mind boggling. At least the crazy fuckers in terrorist groups everywhere do their shit for a reason. This one pass me.

I mean, the American dream these days is not just limited to Americans as everyone hopes to have what they have but men with these sort of lunatics there, let me sleep my Naija sleep and stop American hallucinations jare...

If there was any country in the world where you won't blame people for acting like this, is it not in this crazy country of ours??? yet we smile and bear whatever life throws at us without flinching and certainly never thinking of ending our lives and those of others....

May the souls of the innocent dead rest in peace.

God bless America.

December

Happy new month guys...

Wow!!! December is here already...as cliche as it sounds, it seems just like yesterday when i was making new year resolutions...

Anyway, i thank God for his grace..it's been a year full of ups ,downs, curves,knocks and all what not, and through it all, we're still soldiering on.

Hmmm.....when i reflect on how 2015 has gone, i can't help but be amazed. It started off with strong dreams, focused plans and a clear direction. Almost midway, there was a huge curve-ball and the whole plans were tossed on their heads.....God being so kind,it's steadily picking up back and i know for a fact that it can only get better.

It just goes to show you that truly, man proposes, fate laughs at him and God disposes as he deems fit.

We've got just days to the end of the year...got to make them count!

Cheers.

Happy birthday babes...

Hi Guys...

Yaaaay...wanna take time out to celebrate a sister, friend, confidant, banker, loaner-of-funds-to-cashstrapped-brother, mother, daughter and all round one-of-a-kind-human-being....my lovely sister Ugochi aka Mama Somto.

She had her birthday yesterday and suffice to say, she's just the best sister anyone could ever have. Very down to earth and as real as they come, Ugo is a no nonsense woman who can dish out ass kicking advice and at the same time go to any length to make sure she sorts you out. Can't count the number of times she's helped all of we guys out of sticky situations without batting an eyelid. She's also funny, witty and very caring.

She's constantly reminding us of stuff we'd have normally missed, birthdays to remember, calls to make and other personal family stuff to sort out. Thank God for her, she's the one who most regularly checks up on the folks,ensures they have what they need, checks up on Meme and Chimuanya (My other little sisters) and as our collective banker,makes sure we guys get the bills!!lol.

Don't get me wrong o...she get her own crase for head too. She can be very short tempered sometimes and if she's not in the mood, meen, just avoid her altogether.

She's our own little mummy and since she's the only girl, we in turn make sure she's treated special and i'm very sure i can say, we'd gladly do anything for her.

She's married to Declan and has a wonderful son Somto a.k.a destroyer of the Universe, a.k.a Alexander the great.

So here's a toast to you sweetie....wanna wish you the best of it all - long life, Good health, love, blessings, God's favour, guidance and protection and generally, all the finer things of life!!!

Forgetful Jones

Morning people...Okey here again.

Seriously speaking, what would we do without our mobile phones?

Sometimes i just don't understand myself anymore. How can you wake up by 5.00 am, brush, shower, dress up without any drama,get prepared to leave the house early in order to avoid traffic, get into Susie and drive off without any stress... only to pass third mainland happily, get to Osborne and find out that i've left all my phones back in the house.

Its baffling.

I debated several times whether to just find where to turn and start heading back. Then i consider just how bad the traffic will be later on coupled with the fact that i have roughly about 10 litres of black market fuel in my tank which i managed to scrape by with yesterday. I'm sooo mad at myself, i literally don't know what to do.
So i say to myself, fuck it, you can survive one day without your phones right?

I continue on to the office only for my mind to start bringing up theories of who might be trying to reach me now and all the messages i was going to miss!!...i almost start panicking again and nearly turn Susie back. But once again i steel my resolve and banish all negative thoughts on whether i can actually stay away from my phones for a day.

I drive on and now i'm on Lekki Expressway when i notice that Oando filling station is selling fuel (as always) with virtually nobody in the station!!! Sharp sharp, i drive in there and thank my stars that i have my ATM card with me. I fill Susie's tanks (a record for me) and drive out. I'm so happy to have enough fuel that instantly my mind starts to drift to whom i can call up to spend a pleasant friday night with and where to hang out. Then i remember my phone-less situation and my mind drops!! For all i know, Zee could be trying to reach me right now or how will i be able to get in touch with anyone!!!! AAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!!!.

It's so tempting to just turn back and head back home only for my sensible minion to remind me that i will most likely regret making that sort of decision. What with Lagos traffic and all the attendant stress of being late to work and all. *sigh*. I'll just have to take the jonesing like a man and survive somehow.

Please tell me o...how did we survive before we had mobile phones and what does it tell of the quality of our lives now that we cannot stay away from the accursed things???

Zee

Hallos peoples

Just an update on the radio station babe....we've finally met and yeah...she's all that!!!

Zemaye (Zee) is beautiful, and intelligent, though she looks a bit spoilt sha...one of those big shot babes with plenty going on for her. In local parlance, one of those chicks wey no send you message...lol.

We had our first date at Shoprite last weekend and suffice to say, it all went very well.

Let's see how this goes...

Hello Baby girl..

Hello everyone...

Ahhhh...forgive me, i haven't introduced you all to my beautiful, one and only lollipop niece (for now)... Miss Ifeoma Gemma Ibemere

She's just about seven months old, cute as a button, and can make your heart melt just looking at her. What is this thing about beautiful baby girls that makes you want to just fall in love with them at first sight???

Yeah, yeah, i'm a biased uncle i know but seriously, she seems to be cuter than almost all of them out there. She's the first baby i've seen that instinctively knows how to swipe a smartphone, doesn't cry, is not that fussy, and can eat for the whole of Africa!!!

Boo boo is Uche's first child, and even though i'm not quite sure how the choice of name "Gemma" came about...(I'm guessing they probably went through a book of baby names and chose a very unlikely one) it kinda suits her perfectly.Judge for yourselves...

Grow and Shine my love...Uncle loves you muchos!!!

The Singleton chronicles

Hi guys...Okey here.

Been a while.....

Whats been up? Nothing much, just work work and more work.

I'm probably having a bad case of writer's block where nothing comes to mind to blog about. Anyway, i've been on this babe's case for a while now...funny enough, we haven't technically met, but..it's complicated jare..

Here's what happened.

I just tune in one thursday evening to Smooth fm and they have a program for singles called "single n smooth" going on.I 'm listening in and this lady with a lovely voice calls in and wants to meet guys. she talks a bit about herself and states who she's looking for.
I have airtime to spare and since I'm always one to help damsels in distress, i take a chance and call in.

The line goes through immediately. I'm in shock because that never ever happens!

I'm live on air, so i rally round, switch on the charm and speak to the presenter Jumoke. To cut a long story short, about four other guys call in as well hoping to meet the babe but after everything she chooses to meet me!!!

It's head swelling of course for me and we exchange emails through the presenter. I'm licking my chops in delight.

We start corresponding via emails the next day and Zee (Zemaye) sounds like a cool person. This goes on for days.....turns into weeks....finally nearly two months pass and she has stylishly refused to go on a date, give me her number or make any inclination to meet.

This is all despite many efforts on my part.

It's not only funny but it's getting irritating. I mean, for fuck's sake, you were the one who went on air to try and meet new people, you finally do and then you bail out. Jeez!

To be fair to her, she did give me her BB pin but nothing else.....i consulted the oracle of google since i had her full name and got very little useful information. I know a bit about her seeing as we've exchanged close to seventy emails but still it's puzzling.

All i know is that she's a PA to someone who works in Dangote group, she travels a bit, is very reserved and loves her couch.

*sigh* You can't win them all.



ps: i stumbled on an article later on that probably captures her mindset perfectly. lol....its enlightening.

http://thenakedconvos.com/tales-by-moonlight-the-singleton-chronicles/

Goosebumps..

I've always been a fan of the Horror genre

Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Peter Straub and the like will always remain among my favorite books.I stumbled on a very interesting Nigerian site a while back : thenakedconvos.com and they run this very interesting series on Nigerian horror stories to commemorate Halloween.

I know i'm not supposed to but I've lifted one of the stories for your enjoyment. Absolute full credit to the original writer of the article @Titaenium on "The Naked Convos".

It's an awesome read. Enjoy

Udu

“Move your feet, prostitute!”

 Akweke stood still, tears running down her cheeks. The child in her arms shuddered and cooed in his sleep and the forest before her stood black and still as the bottom of a burnt clay pot. The men behind her were aflame with anger and deep disgust. They screamed and spat at her to walk into the dead blackness. She stood still.

Dry papery palms grab her breasts in the dark.

“Papa, what are you doing?!”

Thick snakes of fear writhed in her stomach and denied her access to her limbs. Tales flashed through her mind; of people who had run mad just from standing too close to Obioji, of the screams that soared across the skies at midnight, of loose women driven into the darkness by the wet flower between their thighs. She shuddered along with her three day old baby who was wrapped in most of her own clothing; she had left herself a tiny lappa to preserve her already crumbling dignity. Pale unwashed skin the color of ripe egusi gleamed in the dusky evening light, she could feel two of the three men behind her back lick their lips lasciviously at the sight of her firm breasts. She could also feel the cold stare of the dibia, Anyabali; the one whose words could make her to go into the dark.  She turned around and gazed into his soulless black eyes, holding on tighter to her child.

“Please”

His face remained expressionless beneath the slashes of white war paint and palm oil, the bull skull  atop his head seemed to mock her with its protruding dentition. Wrinkled and bent like the proverbial crayfish at ninety-nine years of age, Anyabali’s glare was as potent as a snake bite. His eyes roved from the top of her head, crowned with four large knots of hair, down to her scratched and bleeding feet.

“Throw the child”

One of the large men flanking the dibia sprang into motion before Akweke could put context into his words.  Her child was  grabbed from her arms and flung into the forest. Her scream shredded the air with its pain. Her shocked mind tried to choose between crumbling to the floor in sobs and running into the dark towards her son, but the decision was made for her already. She felt rough hands lift her and push her through the veil, into the forest.

He thrusts into her forcefully, pain and forbidden pleasure blossom between her thighs.

The darkness was blinding and deafening. There were no crickets in Obioji, nothing dared to live here in the stale, dead air.  Akweke lay in the soft earth, fear and panic attempting to drive her brain to madness. Through the deafening silence came the soft cry of a baby; rising and falling gently, interrupted by the occasional hitch of breath.  She rose to her feet, bruised breasts tingling in the cold forest air. Walking with unsteady feet and blind eyes, she staggered forward. The baby was still crying softly, when another cry began behind her.

Akweke stopped.

Four months later, her belly is distended with an abomination. The Elders ask questions she can’t answer.

“Tell us who the father of your child is or we will throw you into The Darkness”

She clutches her belly and stares into nothing.

Her calm shattered and she stood still, the cries of both babies ringing through the unnaturally still air, her heart beat pulsed through her head making her eyes water. As both wails rose in volume, her skin began to crawl. She took a deep breath and stepped forward.

A third cry began.

This one was hysterical, not soft and lazy like the other two, she knew that cry.

Her son.

All her defenses crumbled.

She ran towards the crying child, feet sticking repeatedly in the soggy earth. She fell three steps into her run and tumbled, brushing her side hard against a tree in her blindness and falling into the ground.

The head of the midwife is between her thighs as she pushes. Sweat rolls off her body in rivers. The child is coming.

The dibia stands right in front of her, illuminated by flickering palm oil flames, waiting to take her away.

Akweke lay still in the pit, defeated. The cries had stopped.  She stared at where the sky was meant be and tears flowed down her cheeks, her cries caught in her throat when she felt something furry brush against her leg, she shot up into a sitting position and the smell hit her.

The stench of rotten flesh.

It crawled up her nose and filled her belly.

Akweke retched, her empty belly convulsing with agonizing fury.

She was sitting in what seemed to be large pieces of raw meat, wet and clammy against her back. She shot to her feet with a yelp. Her eyes had finally adjusted to the light and she saw the babies.

All dead.

All rotting.

Eyes chewed out by the rats that slinked through the holes in their chests and entered mouths. The stench moved again.

All thought fled from her mind and she let out a series of lung-bursting screams.  She was shut up when her feet slipped out from beneath her and she fell deeper into the pit. Bones poked at her bare back and an unknown fluid shot into her left eye. Maggots crawled against the back of her legs, and across her stomach and she could feel them in her scalp and between her thighs. She made one last attempt to rise out of the shallow grave when they all started crying.

She hears her child cry and then he is brought to her. Tears escape her eyes.

He is beautiful and he is hers.

The perfect taboo.

The sound made her chest clench and more tears fell from her eyes. Their cry rose through the darkness. The red sound of fear.

As she struggled to find her footing within the bones and flesh and earth, a bulb of light rose from the mouth of an eyeless child beneath her feet. It hovered in front of her eyes, bouncing silkily, softly and then it suddenly flung itself into Akweke’s chest.

The cold prevented her from screaming. She gasped one hand on the edge of the pit and the other above her heart. She could feel it wriggle its way up her chest.

“Please”. She whispered for the second time that day. And for the second time, no one listened. The ninety nine ghost babies rose out of decaying bodies; shimmering balls of cold light. They all hovered around Akweke lighting her yellow skin with the cadence of death, her lappa was gone and she stood naked as the day she was born, covered in scars and dead blood. She was still retching as the first light made its way up to her head, when it got there she let out a silent scream as the icy hand of Death gripped her soul. The other ghosts surged forward, sinking beneath her skin, taking her body as theirs and chasing her consciousness to exile.

Anyabali sat in the total darkness of his round hut. Tendrils of smoke from the freshly-blown out lamp still hung in the air. He could smell them.  Ani was also around;  the metallic stink of blood that always accompanied her hung thick in the air. He was as tense as the air that surrounded him, but he waited patiently. He had done everything he was asked after all; sent out all the masked men to rape all those unsuspecting young women, spoken for Ani that the women should be sent into Obioji, had the babies thrown specifically into a pit filled with Ani’s essence, all one hundred of them. He had even performed the final taboo.

He sat, ready to become immortal as Ani had promised.

A hundred children for an eternity amongst men.

Ani finally slammed into him, filling his senses. Lightning crackled across his skin as hot blood surged into him from beyond. His back cracked audibly and he straightened. His milky vision opened up and he saw her as he crested and found permanent youth. He stood to his feet, full of power.

Akweke was glowing like she had been lit from within by moonlight, her eyes were dark caverns. When she opened her mouth and the air shuddered with a hundred cries, Ani fled faster than the Orimili river.

“Spineless murderer.”

She lifted her hand and all of his youth came flying from his body into her palm in wispy red streams. His back bent and his skin turned dryer than ash. He fell to his knees as fear shot through his being, he looked up to plead and she opened her mouth wide.

The wail of a hundred newborns filled the hut and flowed into his brain like a million fire ants. Gnawing at his mind and stinging his being and cutting open his very soul with red hot teeth.

He screamed, and screamed, and screamed as spittle and blood poured from his mouth and nostrils. The crying suddenly stopped and he felt himself levitate into the air. His red cloth toga fell off and he was naked as his day of birth.

He looked at her through cloudy eyes and pounding head. She kept glowing. A pulsing light that chilled his bones. Then all of a sudden, the ghost babies came out of her and began to tear him apart.

They ran across his skin like fluorescent mice, ripping it apart with dead teeth. They broke his arms and ate his eyes, they entered his mouth and burst forth from his belly, spraying the still Akweke with blood.

And through it all he screamed as he felt every bit of flesh rip and tear. When he died they let his remains fall to the ground with a wet thunk. Swimming on air, they returned into their vessel.

All but one.

Her own.

She grabbed him from the air, cradled him to her breasts and named him “Nzoputa”.

A child born of a dibia’s seed.

The dibia, her  father.

Then she walked back into the Darkness where she roams.

A vessel for lost souls.

An udu 

Counting Blessings...

It's the weekend peeps, and instead of the usual "no money","Dear God,bless my hustle" rants, i just want to thank God for the job i have.

I don't know about you, but i'm a very loyal person when it comes to work. It's difficult for me not to put in my very best wherever i find myself working.

It's how we were all raised and it has always paid off.

Anyway, i started working for Visafone Communications Limited immediately after my Youth service and suffice to say, those were the years of toil where majority of my time and efforts went into. Believe me , it wasn't easy.
Of course, we were all still on the lookout for better opportunities but i ensured i gave it my all. My Boss, ahh....the formidable Lynda Amechi was one of those bosses who put you through the wringer to ensure that the job gets done and boy o boy, was she a tough cookie.

After a while,we were managing about 81 shops across the country and believe me, that was no mean feat. Then comes the rude awakening, after about six years of this, the company decides to gradually fold up and majority of the staff are given the boot. yours truly included.

To be honest, it wasn't really a rude awakening, it was something that we all saw coming a mile off but we still threw our backs in to try and save the situation. Mistake number 1.
With hindsight now, i should have re-doubled my efforts then at getting a better job rather than wait till it all came crumbling down.

I was left without a job for about three months but fortunately for me, i was blessed to get this job with NairaBET soon after. The story of how it happened is one to still muse over months later.
I got two notices about the position a day before the interview- One from my big brother Nnamdi and another from an old friend Collins.
I went for it and after having series of tests and interviews with various people the next day, as well as slugging it out with about a hundred other applicants, i was offered the job! It was kind of anti climactic as even though there were so many people there that day, something just told me the job was mine. Yeah..i was that confident.

Anyway, as light is different from darkness, that's how different this job is. To put it a bit clearly, i'm becoming terribly spoilt here. After the killer pressure, high octane lifestyle of Visafone, this is kind of well...laid back...but at the same time, very challenging as well.

My boss now is a woman as well but she's the polar opposite of Lynda. She's basically given me a free hand to run my department but still oversees generally. She's not a bothersome boss but is very firm when it comes to how the business is run.

Its really a blessing.

The only issue is it doesn't pay as well as Visafone and so before i start moaning about my broke status and begging the Almighty to bless my hustle, let me just end this post.

Cheers people. TGIF.

TGIF?

I've come across so many memes and vines celebrating friday as the best day of the week. I guess it is, considering the fact that over here, we're a country of work hating, fun loving individuals.

But for me,i don't know.

There's this expectancy for Friday to be the "turn up" day and everybody is so focused on letting their hair down, why do i get this depressing feeling after work when i literally don't know what to do with myself??

To make matters worse, growing older is a bitch!!
You start getting all responsible, start worrying seriously about the future, spend less time thinking of fun, grow grey hairs over lack of money...

If i'm to be completely honest with myself, it's this last point that is the crux of the matter. It's not as if there are no places to go to or fun things to do, it's just that all these things will require frivolous parting with some serious cash which unfortunately at the moment,i am not inclined to do.

It's just my nature. When i think of going to a Karaoke bar and spending 3k on drinks (6-10k if i go with a normal babe, 10-15k if she's an "owu"), my frugal minion reminds me that there is no fuel in my car and generator. When i consider stopping by the mall by myself or with a date, the thought of blowing about 10k away on different stuff makes my accountant minion shiver, then remind me in no nonsense terms that there will be roughly about 4k in my entire bank balance when i'm through. I could pass a boutique and see nice shirts going for 9.5k, Jeans, shoes and the like but my Igbo blood revolts and urges me to find time and visit Oshodi some other time.

It's crazy. I'm at the point where i should be able to relax after a long week at work and make fun plans for the weekend, close my eyes and fork out the funds to make this happen but instead i'm worrying about how to repay my darlings Ugo and Peace for the money i had to borrow and thinking of how to make 1k last the whole weekend.*sigh*.

It's another friday evening after work now and to add to the whole palava, i no know who send me go promise one babe say i go take am out for dinner....i was feeling over chivalrous and now she's been calling to make good on my promise.Me wey i hold only 1k for hand? No wahala...i'll wangle my way out of it and make her indomie and egg at home jare. No time.

Dear Lord, please bless my hustle very soon. Amen.

Huh? What was i saying?

Its worrying o...

The rate at which i'm starting to forget things is really bugging me. I can't tell whether it's just me being absent minded or something a bit more serious...

I might be in the middle of doing something, my mind wanders and i jolt back after a while to remember that i was doing something else.., or i might walk into a room and totally forget what i came in for. I know the latter happens to most people but the regularity with me is scary.

What brings all this up is some crazy drama that happened to me last week.

Ok, so a colleague and i were driving back home after work on thursday and we get stuck in traffic. There's this bad accident causing traffic on the opposite side of the road, so i bring out my phone and tweet to gidi traffic.....it's re-tweeted a couple of minutes later and i drop my phone back and concentrate on the traffic.

We get home after a while, i park Susie and we go in the house. After about 30 minutes or so, i notice that my phone is not with me. I've mainly been in the house,lying on the sofa watching TV so i ransack the couch....its not there. I widen the grid, check the living room, my bed room, the kitchen and yes, even the toilet..No phone.

Now, you have to note that i currently have an Ogbanje Blackberry phone whose battery is worse than Houdini...Here one minute, gone the next. (It's so bad that if i use the flash on the camera, the whole phone trips off) so it's a certainty that the battery is switched off which i further confirm by trying to call.

I remember clearly that i had it in the car, so i go out and practically molest Susie, checking every one of her crevices,corners,cubbyholes, pockets and hidden places....no dice. I'm getting worried because this is clearly NOT funny and so the search continues throughout that evening. One terrible minion is throwing up different crazy suggestions .....
- My colleague Peace, is with it and hiding it
-It was snatched in traffic and we didn't notice (not unheard of in Lagos)
-I dropped it somewhere outside the house etc etc...

It's getting late, so i go to bed moody and very very irritated. The next day is no better as the ultimate search continued with no success. Car, house, friends, workplace and compound have been checked with no success. So friday goes by without my main phone and i've totally resigned myself to the fact that i may have to start the crazy process of retrieving my line and getting a new phone.

Saturday comes and since i've made peace with my situation, i head off to the mainland to spend the weekend.

The sun that fateful day is a scorcher!!. I have this terrible idea to use Ikorodu road assuming in my wildest dreams that there would be no traffic. Dream on!!...There's terrible hold-up from Costain all the way to the Stadium and Susie is in one of her bad mood swings(probably pissed off from all the earlier molestation) and giving me issues with her brake pads(or possibly having her period since the problem is from her pads).

I'm stuck in traffic, sweating and after a turn in the road, i'm directly facing the scorching sunrays.....so i ignore Susie and crank up the AC, then as soon as i reach up and flip down the Sun visor....Ladies and Gentlemen, the stupid phone which i've been looking for, drops on my head.

I'm so relieved/confused/annoyed/irritated with myself that right in the middle of traffic, i burst out laughing!!! Laughed for about a full minute before i get the urge to strangle myself.

Apparently, it never occurred to me to check the visor...what could the phone have been doing there anyway???  i suddenly remember that after tweeting in traffic on thursday, we bought a bottle of water which i put in the cupholder beside the driver and since i didn't want to drop the phone anywhere near water in the car, i absentmindedly raised my hand and slipped it between the visor.

Goodness. Old Age o!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of smoke, cobwebs and squirrels in the yard

Hi Guys,

I was fortunate enough to visit my hometown in Imo state last week thursday. It was a rather spur of the minute trip which in my usual organized-chaos manner, i just woke up on wednesday and decided to travel the next day seeing as it was a holiday and spend the weekend with the folks.

It was a good way to surprise everyone back home and it worked out just as planned.

Got a 2 day casual leave from the office and set off on thursday. The trip was quite uneventful and my long standing record of terrible seating partners remained unbroken. This time it was a young mother with BO and a fussing son who couldn't stop farting in the air conditioned bus!.

Got to Owerri and while in a cab back home, i called my mum and started gisting with her. She, assuming i was still in Lagos, was asking about everyone over there and the look on her face when the cab pulled up at the house was absolutely priceless!!!

Ahhh...village life.

There are many impressions you get from village life. The air is different, the soil is different, the people look different (seriously),the houses are so different,

Once there, you can't miss this pleasant smell of wood-smoke which permeates the air and i don't know about you but once i catch a whiff of it, it just makes me want to get down and do primitive things...lol...
Mom's kitchen is not your usual village one, seeing as the house was modernized a couple of years but true to form, she's erected a shed nearby where firewood and soot still rule...it's  not exactly environmentally friendly but its extra quick, suited to the clime, convenient and gets the job done. Plus, it gives food this lovely woody aroma which anyone that cooks with firewood can testify to.

Downside is that the prolonged exposure to the smell of smoke will make it stick. Trust me, like good perfume, its only good in small doses. You don't want to be a walking advert for eau le smoke.

Its an easy lifestyle and it feels good to wake up in the morning to chirping, croaking and strange bird calls(there's this one i like so much...it goes...tu-tu tu-tu tuuu-tuuu). Imagine a scenario where you go to the backyard brush to pee (yes pee in the open, one of life's best experiences), and you look up and spot a bunch of squirrels running nimbly through the barbed wire atop your fenced yard!

Awesome!!

It's not all rosy though. Life is hard here.
Each time i visit, i have to sharpen up my skills on the art of "posting". How do you tell a grown up man who sees you and comes to beg for 1,000 naira that you've just given the same to about three other fellows who have come before him to ask similar stuff?? Its sad.

Young guys go around doing menial jobs, children join them whenever they can and ladies...well..they do whatever it is they do to survive as well...

The sights assail you as you spend time.Thatched houses with gigantic cobwebs, hardy goats, ancient bicycles, wizened old folks, claypots, schoolkids with tattered clothing,  and on the flip side, massive houses which wouldn't be out of place in Lekki, Big SUVs cruising infrequently down the bad roads and some well dressed, well fed folk who have somehow managed to escape the poverty clutch.

It's crazy, yet so beautiful. wouldn't trade it for the world.

Insomnia

There's this book by Stephen King called Insomnia which i read a while back.  I can't really remember the plot too well but it detailed all the happenings that always occurred when the main character couldn't sleep.

I've been having insomnia for some days now.

Normally, my body clock doesn't even permit sleep to come knocking till about 12.30 am thereabouts but these days have been crazy. I'm still awake by 3 am and even though i'm tired , i can't sleep.

The worst part is that i've always had an over active imagination and when i'm awake by this time, my goodness!, it's a madhouse in there.

The thoughts come flying in...get half processed...fly out again...do cartwheels.....perform a 360.....and then come back wearing different togas.....

I think of life, fantasize a bit about money, try to sort problems out, swat the f**cking mosquitoes away,give myself plenty mental kicks, dabble in some racy thoughts, browse, envision my future family, create scenarios, make plans to go on safari, think of inconsequential things and mostly just jump on from one random point/thought to another....

Jeez, its exhausting. Yet i can't sleep!.

When it rains.....it pours..

I've always been quite good at English. No false modesty here, i take pride in being well versed in the language. I'm especially familiar with sayings, slangs, quips and quotes so when i came across the sentence used as this post's heading many years ago, it was a bit baffling at first till i thought it through much later on and came upon a longer version.

"For some people, when it rains, it pours".

The urban dictionary describes it as 

"When something good or bad happens it will happen again in a short period of time or it will get worse"

This is what has been happening to me recently. Permit me to explain.

Now, i've been officially single for a very long time. Yes, really. I don't know whether it's because i'm getting older or what but the truth is that recently, i've started finding it very distracting and tiring to start the whole "chasing after babes" or performing all the crazy rituals associated with wooing Naija babes. (Maybe it's because i haven't found miss right yet). 

Right now, my mind is on the money train and my focus is on trying to get to where i want to be in life and fulfill some crucial life goals for myself. Women, sadly take a back seat right now to this.

Don't get me wrong o....there'll always be a babe or two or three lurking around who you can always call up whenever the fancy catches, but never anything serious at all.

But now ladies and gentlemen, despite all my conscious efforts on no serious relationships yet, my year long single status, f**kbuddies and all,  i find myself entangled with three, yes.. you heard right... three women who (to be scrupulously honest) are making unconscious efforts to breach the fortress and establish residence.

First we have Contestant Number 1 who i met at my cousin's party and in an alcohol fuelled session, i turned on the charm and sweet-tongued my way to her number, address and other details

Some Pros: beautiful as hell, working class, intelligent, 

Some Cons: High maintenance, not sure of her single status

Contestant number two is a colleague of my sister's. We met at Ugo's house and the "relationship" has been mostly phone based.

Some Pros: Beautiful, shy, working class, not high maintenance

Some Cons: Too shy, very religious, will obviously want to wait till marriage.

i gave contestant number three a ride to work one fateful day and its become sort of a ritual for us every monday seeing as she lives close to my pad.

Pros: nice looking, not high maintenance, hardworking

Some cons: Not too classy, lives near my house, self employed and struggling

For me, when it rains, it pours!!

LMAO for real..

Ndewo nu peeps...

I came across this really hilarious skit which gave me bellyaches from too much laughter. It'd be a crime not to share with you all...enjoy!!

Happy Birthday Egbon...

Good morning ladies and gents, been a while.

Permit me to celebrate my eldest brother Mr Nnamdi Ibemere who had his birthday earlier this month on the 13th.

Gentleman to the core, bros is the soft spoken one among us all....always willing to step back and assume quiet authority when it counts. Right from way back when we were kids, he's always been the one stepping away from all our gra gra and remembering he's the one that is supposed to be in control.

Trust me guys, you'll never find anyone else more dependable. When it comes down to it, he'll always be there for you no matter what. Can't count the number of times i've taken advantage of younger brother privilege to "borrow" his clothes, books, perfumes, films and yes sometimes cash (Insert shamefaced smiley here) with absolutely no intention of returning any of them....lol

I mean it used to drive me crazy!!!...He'd have all these brand spanking new singlets/clothes/shoes/books all safely stored up somewhere absolutely untouched. I would sneak in and check back weeks later and they'd still be there. Kai, don't blame me for exercising my God given rights as a younger sibling and pilfer to my hearts content.

Very humble and down to earth, (too much so in my opinion), he has a successful career with Guinness Nig Plc and is married to a beautiful woman, Katherine.

She co-opted me last week to throw a surprise birthday party for him and it was a great success. i got myself lost somewhere and called him to come rescue me so the guests could get to his house for the party and true to form, he didn't hesitate to start driving down to Anthony to rescue his apparently stranded brother..

Namo is popular in church as well, maybe because among we Ibemere heathen (of which i'm president of course), he's the most consistent one in church. lol....I've had people meet me on the street and be like:"Hi, you're Nnamdi's brother right?"

Of course he has his own brand of issues...Sometimes he puts himself out there too much and people tend to take advantage of that, he can also be a tad too mushy mushy which is just...well...... aaarggghhhhh.....lol.

To cap it all...he gave me the singular honour to be bestman at his wedding earlier this year.

Anyway, here's to an awesome brother, friend, confidant, adviser and all round nice guy Mr Nnamdi Ibemere. May your days be long, happy and prosperous.

Dear Lord, please bless the hustle

Ahhh...hi peeps.

Its the weekend and i'm just willing to be the lazy bum and act out Bruno Mars Lazy song to the hilt. Then i remember that my Boss is throwing a birthday party for his son who's turning five years on the day.

Now, my weekends are really precious but seeing as i'm currently working for the best bosses ever (seriously) and it really wouldn't be a bad idea to get away from the stranglehold of "power" which i've been watching like an addict, i decide to attend this gig.

The address is at Northern Foreshore estate which i've always heard about but never actually visited, so i organize a few colleagues and we set off.
Now, i've always assumed that most of these estates with pretentious sounding names never really have anything to offer but i was seriously disappointed.

Northern Foreshore Estate, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the S**T!!!

It is really really beautiful and to be sincere, you'd be forgive for thinking that you're in in the Hamptons or something.

Flower lined drives, picket fences, wide lawns, beautifully built houses, parks, sidewalks, children skating by......

Who talk say money no good? imagine a place with street names like Yellow wood street, elmwood road, pinewood drive, Thistle street, redwood road...lol... Thunder fire Adeite Ogunsanya and Shekoni close!!

Not as if the houses were that magnificient or anything, but there was this...how do i put it now?..Ambience..(thats the word) that makes you feel like you're floating.


Boss went all out and the party was a crazy success.....excess wine, food, music, people, artistes (He owns a music record label), Met Skuki, Phyno, Sheliroy and some other musicians.... After a while, it morphed from a kiddie birthday party to a full blown owambe.

It got late and nobody wanted to leave again...my dear..i just gathered strength to clear my head of the alcoholic fuzz and headed back to Susie who must have been feeling like an orphan among the SUVs and other luxury cars..

Ahhhh...God go bless our hustle o!

Its all the rage....

Hello People, Happy new month to y'all.

I vividly recall one video game we used to play when Sega video games were all the rage...It was called "Road Rash" or "road rage" or something like that sha...

My elder brother Uche who seemed to be the one always buying new games back then brought it in one weekend and we loved it!!. You were riding a bike down the expressway and the aim of the whole game was to wreak havoc on other road users.

Punches, kicks, gunshots, chains,batons...... everything and anything was allowed to ensure you scored maximum points. It was brutal. We loved it.

Now, several years later, i've developed this insane fear that the characters in that game have influenced the way i drive.

Hello everyone, my name is Okechukwu. I believe i suffer from road rage.

Anyone who describes driving in Lagos with adjectives like "scenic", "pleasant", "smooth", "lovely", has a mind of a serial killer who can and will commit murder one day.
I really don't know how we do it, but driving in this city should be listed as one of the seven wonders of the modern world.

Commercial buses, touts, pothole filled roads, okadas, keke napeps, stupid pedestrians, LASTMA officials, tiny roads, double parking, street blocking and the legendary "go-slows" are all partners in crime to make you want to kill someone.

If Lagosians acted on their murderous urges, driving around this town would be high up on the list of murder motives.

Ok, i know that what i'm really doing is listing reasons for this road rage thing i have but dear people, how do you explain what has been happening to me during the last month? Several times while driving these past weeks, i have had to literally force myself to park somewhere and take deep breaths to calm myself down.

Its like its me versus all other lagos drivers who(my minions assure me) are trying to get revenge for my spectacular successes while playing road rash/rage in my youth.

This month alone

• I've been bumped twice at the Lekki toll gate, once by one old white dude who looked very scared to get out of his SUV and the other by one silly clown who came down to start begging.
• Poor Susie has been scraped twice, once by a trailer carrying sand and the other by one Keke idiot.
• A danfo driver bumped me at the Ajah roundabout and
• A very very stupid looking pedestrian who was obviously from the Northern part of the country decided to use my car in his bid to commit suicide and walked right out in front of my car at Badore as i was speeding off after the crazy Ajah traffic. I say special prayers everyday for Moshood my mechanic who has laboured to keep Susie in reasonable working order. The brake action that day was epic and did me proud, although i must have burned off a stretch of rubber...

All this coming after having Susie repaired from the accident with the Ibadan clown. (See earlier posts)Why wouldn't anyone develop road rage?

And to cap it all, i strongly believe its genetic. Anyone who has ever been in  a vehicle with the great Nze Cosmas Ibemere will corroborate my claims.

I have been trying to overcome it and am failing miserably. Short of moving to a town like Calabar, i have tried deep breaths, Zen-postures, Smooth FM, Meditation, Sade Adu....Nothing works.

Please help!!.

Please wear my shoes first....

You know something?

Sometimes, its always good to take time out and see life through other people's eyes.

Part of my job entails disciplining staff who run foul of company policies, so at different times this month,i had summoned two ladies who work as cashiers in our shops to see me. Prior to them coming to my office, i'd never met either of them before.

The first one, Bolu*, had been popping up late to work for sometime, and i was really pissed off. Getting to the office on the appointed day, i was informed that she was waiting to see me. It was bound to be a busy day for me, so i let her stew outside for a bit while i caught up on some other stuff.

I get them to send her in later and she comes in looking scared. My first thought was "How old is this one sef?"She looks very young and vulnerable and nothing at all like the defiant rebel i had pictured in my mind.
I sit her down and give her the third degree. I finally relent and in my usual fashion, start counseling her on how to ensure she gets it all together. When i'm through, i see her head bowed ask her if she understands what i've told her about coming to work late.

She nods and raises her head. i can see tears pooling in her eyes and i ask her what's wrong. She then proceeds to tell me all she's been going through and why she's been coming late. Turns out her dad is late, her mom doesn't have a job, she is the first of six children, her younger siblings are out of school, they are currently squatting with a family friend somewhere on the mainland, she is squatting with a friend of hers on the island here in order to get to her office on time and in addition to the job with us, she's doubling as an usher at events to make ends meet because she's the breadwinner for the entire family.

This girl in front of me cannot be more than seventeen years old.

The second one, Kafayat* was brought to my office one evening with her offence listed as being insubordinate to her region manager. After chastising her and making sure she understands the consequences of her actions, i switch to good cop and counsel her a bit. To my surprise, tears start streaming down her face when i start asking her of her future plans. She informs me that she just came back from taking the post UTME exam into University of Ilorin and she's just been accepted into the school to study mass communication.

It's obvious she's crying because she thought nobody cares enough to ask about her future plans.

Hmmmm.....Sometimes, it's actually worth it to take time out and make other people realize that they matter and that what happens to them is of concern to others.

As Ellen always ends, please be kind to each other.

* Not real names.

Luck and Life

Hi guys

Ok. So today, on getting to the office, there's this buzz all around and staff are clustered together discussing and talking animatedly.

Didn't want to start mingling with them and loafing around so i go up to my office and settle in. i could still hear all the excitement so i call the receptionist on the intercom and ask what all the fuss is about.

She tells me that a young lad who won big on one of our games had come to the office to claim his big prize. For those who don't know, i currently do Quality assurance for NairaBET .com, Nigeria's foremost sports bookies.

i make some calls and it turns out that this young man staked 100 naira on a list of accumulated fixtures, random games and crazy permutations with the funniest odds that you can imagine and believe it or not, they all panned out.

Total figure of his winnings, ladies and gentlemen, is roughly about 5.7 million naira.

When the shock clears, i have to go downstairs myself and look this nigger in the eye. I find him sitting in our conference room, looking scared and unsure if he's awake or still in dreamland. He has a couple of guys with him who are trying to look worldly wise and putting up some very fake swagger.

I go up to them, introduce myself in the most authoritative tone i can muster and they all stand up hesitantly. i ask for his identification and the poor lad is almost falling over himself to get his wallet out.

The wicked minions in my head begin urging me to have some fun with them so i take his ID card, look very critically at it, stare back at him, pan round to look at his companions and ask them who they are.
They start getting defensive and tell me they are his family members and he's their younger brother. One even looks like he wants to swear on a stack of bibles. lol.
Its so true when they say "Success has plenty relatives"

I want to leave it at this point but meeen, we're talking about  6 million naira here!!!..make dem sweat small na....(Not as if i'm the one to even give him the cheque sef)

I start asking them questions and grill them a bit about themselves. When it's clear that its not a hoax and this guy is the real deal, i smile at him and shake his hand.

You can see the instant relief on his face. Turns out the management had asked him to come for some photo ops and publicity. i leave them and walk back to my office amazed.

One of the minions is playing Gabrielle's song "life" on replay in my head.

This poor unemployed lad is about to become a millionaire through what some people term a bad habit while most of us, working our asses off can't lay claim to a fraction of that amount.

It is well!

Morning satire fix...

Morning people..

Couldn't help but share this article from my all time favourite Nigerian blogger and writer(after Chimamanda). Couldn't get permission but FULL credit for this article goes to the fantastic El Nathan John.

Even though this is a topic i feel strongly about, his satire angle to the whole issue is killing. Enjoy.

You can find his wonderful articles on http://elnathanjohn.blogspot.com/

Life is hard for humans. But even tougher for animals. I was filled with outrage recently when I read of this American dentist who paid 55,000 dollars to shoot a lion in Zimbabwe. Not just any lion. A lion with a name. Cecil.

Let us pause for a moment to talk about Cecil. Writing about this is very emotional for me, but I will try.

Cecil must have grown up in a pride of lions not knowing if he was going to survive. Only one in eight male lions ever make it into adulthood. If they are not killed by adult lions, they die of hunger, injuries or illnesses. Then by the time Cecil would have reached the age of sexual maturity for lions, the other members of the pride would have done the ritual of kicking him out to fend for himself, alone, in the wild. Because that is what lions do to males that reach maturity. It’s a bit like how white people make their kids leave home and get jobs after they are 18. Lions are not like black people who live with their parents until they get married.

To survive, Cecil would have had to find his own home and this might have involved taking over new territory and possible face aggression from the new pride they will be entering. Cecil did all this and became that one-in-eight male lions that make it to adulthood. Cecil lived until the ripe lion age of 13 and fathered many cubs.

While Cecil was going about the business of catering for his pride, a white American dentist was preparing his bow and arrow with which he would kill the lion. Cecil would eventually get shot, wander around in pain for 40 hours, be tracked down by the dentist and beheaded. Let me get some tissue.

It cost 55,000 dollars to kill Cecil. I know 72% of Zimbabweans live on less than 1.25 dollars a day but I do not know their names. I know Cecil’s name. And today we are talking about Cecil.

I am angry about a few things. First, I am thinking of what 55,000 dollars can do for me. I would easily have let that man shoot me in the thigh or something for half that amount. Cecil would have been alive today. I don’t mind dressing up like an animal since what really gives him the thrill is shooting animals. I would grow a mane if I had to. And I am not even saying the whole amount. Just half.

I know that in the US there have been at least two black people lost to police-related deaths in the media recently. There was of course global outrage but nothing close to what Cecil got. And that is how it should be. After all Cecil was said to be the most popular lion in Zimbabwe. The poor black people in Zimbabwe and those black Americans who died at the hands of white police officers are all regular people. It would be unfair to try to compare Cecil, with a regular, unknown black person – Cecil who by sheer dint of hard work, determination and good fortune rose through the ranks and beat the odds to live for 13 years. No.

One thing we know about male lions is that if the head of a pride dies (or say leaves his family to go start a new one elsewhere like some Nigerian men), the male that takes over the pride will kill the cubs of the previous head. Simple self-preservation. Every male lion wants his own children to inherit him, not the children of some other male.

What this means is that not only Cecil, but his entire lineage is now probably wiped out. Think of that. No Cecil junior. Ever. Hold on. I need some tissue.

My only consolation is in the assurance that Cecil is in the hereafter and doing great. Yes. I read this assurance from American Animal Communicator Karen Andersonwho claims to have spoken to Cecil from the afterlife. On her Facebook page, she posted that she was moved to tears when she heard Cecil’s words to her. According to her, and I trust her because she is a professional with her own YouTube videos, website and all, Cecil said the following:

"Let not the actions of these few men defeat us or allow darkness to enter our hearts. If we do then we become one of them. Raise your vibration and allow this energy to move us forward. What happened does not need to be discussed as it is what it is. Take heart my child, I am finer than ever, grander than before as no one can take our purity, our truth or our soul. Ever. I am here. Be strong and speak for all the others who suffer needlessly to satisfy human greed. Bring Light and Love and we will rise above this."

I am not so devastated after reading those words. It is helpful that Cecil spoke clear articulate English to Karen Anderson. Think if he had spoken in one of the Zimbabwean languages, or even in an accent so strong she couldn’t understand. Then Karen would have thought her skills had failed her and we would all have gone through life depressed about the fate of Cecil. God bless Karen Anderson. God bless Cecil. God bless everyone who has been outraged about this horrific killing.

They say a living dog is better than a dead lion. But not a dead lion with a name. Not Cecil. 

Show Cecil you care. Look for an online petition relating to this killing and sign it. Cecil will know. And Cecil will appreciate it.

Ps. A US petition to extradite the lion-killer dentist has surpassed 100,000 signatures. I love it that Americans can rally together when it really matters.

Billionaire dreams...

Hey hey...

Friday morning. I'm sitting in the office fleshing out some data in a spreadsheet. My office colleague's laptop is softly playing a Bruno Mars playlist.

Bruno is a fantastic musician and i'm really enjoying the songs. When he starts crooning the chorus to Travie McCoy's hit,  "i wanna be a billionaire, so freaking bad"... i pause what i'm doing and start to think seriously.

I fucking do WANT TO BE A BILLIONAIRE!!!. Literally speaking.

It's crazy. I don't really see myself as a materialistic person but dear Lord, please make me very rich. There's so much i want to do, so much i want to see, places i want to go, things i would love to have, tons and tons of people to help, causes to join, plans to make...

Even if i don't get to do it all, being a billionaire would seriously help close several of these out.

All the self help and motivational books will tell you to set your goals, draw up a plan:short term,long term plans, start working towards them, celebrate milestones, bla bla bla....

Fuck short term,long term plans. Me, i really wouldn't mind being an instant billionaire o!!!
Is this selfish or lazy? Maybe, but who cares!

Let's be very honest, if any of us had the option, who wants to work??? abeg, leave matter, i'd much rather be rich. I have this propensity to daydream and one of my favorite ones is to just have a big suitcase fall from an overhead plane into my compound (when i'm the only one around o) which contains thousands and thousands of dollars/pounds!!!!.....chai!!...lol.

I went to Parkview Estate a couple of weeks ago and honestly, who in his /her right mind can seriously claim that money is the root of all evil? abeg park well.

Deep down, i know being a billionaire may never happen but i hope to be really wealthy enough to enjoy my life and help others. Oh well, a man is still allowed to dream abi?

"I wanna be a billionaire....sooo...freaking bad...."...The song ends and Bruno starts wailing about how he wants to catch a grenade for some scheming, two faced bitch who wouldn't do the same.

Wake up and GET BACK TO WORK boy!!!

Fear not!

Whaddup peeps..

Ok, so this morning, i leave Susie at home and decide to use public transport to work.

I'm fortunate to get one on time and we head off to work via third mainland bridge. Now, no one told us our driver was one of those insane, daredevil danfo drivers and honestly, the ride to work was not a fun trip.

Female passengers were yelling at the guy and the men were all trying to put up unconcerned faces and through it all, i think the silly driver was actually enjoying it.

Me? i was very concerned but tried not to let it show. My usual policy in situations like this is to sit tight and try not to distract whichever idiot's hands i've put my life into by joining the shouting.

 The scared faces around me got me thinking about things in life which i'm scared of /worried about  but try not to bother too much about.  So i decided to just list them out and from time to time, read this post, update it as i remember and try to come to terms with them all. In no particular order, here goes.

• I'm scared of my parents dying. I know this will eventually happen but its still something which literally has me paralyzed in fear.
• I'm very worried that i'm never going to be financially stable enough to raise and support a family.
• I'm scared of going for a HIV test, knowing that i've had unprotected sex before!. (i'd rather leave my status to God's hands and hope for the best). Silly, i know but who cares!.
• Speaking of God, i'm worried that i'm gradually losing my inclination to go to church. Not as if i don't believe in God, i do, but this my lethargy towards church is crazy.
• I'm scared shitless of anything bad happening to my family members.
• Not to put too much in it, but it sometimes bothers me that i may not be able to truly love only one woman
• I am totally freaked out when i have nightmares. Yes, freaked out as in shivering, sweating, in pain freaked out!
• I'm worried that i always give benefit of doubt.
• I'm scared of drowning.

That does it so far...

We got to our destination safely and the look i gave the driver could have shrunk his manhood. i just shook my head and got on with my life. No time.

Sugar things....

Hi People,

Happy new month to you all.

Life is going on and well, its not exactly what i want for myself at this stage, but i really can't complain.

So, in the spirit of openness and candor on this blog, i'll relate a crazy experience which happened to me some time ago.

Now, being a guy roaming the single wilderness looking for whom to devour..lol...one fine day after work in the office, i happened across a very intriguing dating site and though i'm not usually one to join up to such sites,  given some crazy past experiences, something that day,( boredom? impulsiveness? agro? mischievous minions?) made me say..screw it all and click on the "sign up" tag on the screen.

So i get introduced into another world of online dating. This site (not going to promote them on this blog) is very different and shows all the sides of human nature you can think of.

Here i get a crash course into the world of quick meets, sex contacts, kinks, crazy fetishes, swingers, swinger parties, blogs, acronyms i've never heard of: CD, TV, TS, and the like.
The thing is, its not a local site but also caters for a worldwide audience.

I'm like a Unical babe at a sharwarma joint!

Now, i usually don't need help to get crazy and wild but there are so many things to explore. I take a simple solution of narrowing down all searches for potential matches to Nigeria and soon get a potential number of hits.

At this point, i have to confess that it's really just curiosity driving me to explore, so i take a chance, create a well crafted profile bio and send requests out to a few potential matches just for the fun of it.
An interesting profile of a middle aged woman who claims to be fifty one years old catches my eye and i also send a friend invite to her.

After a while of browsing on the site,my initial enthusiasm wears off. I log out and get back to preparing to leave for the day..

Now, fast forward about a week later, i get two emails signalling that i have unread stuff in my inbox from the site. I eagerly open it and guess what? it's from the middle aged lady.

I'm intrigued. I open it up and read a very well articulated and great email from her.  Jumoke(Not real name) gives me a lot of details about herself, and tells me she loved the bio and would like for us to be friends. It's short and to the point.

Hmmm.....I like!!!

So i mail her back and that, ladies and gents, is how i get my first real life online...err...whatever..

We'd been chatting via mails for a while and seeing as this was getting kind of childish, one day i ask for her number so i can call. She laughs and tells me that as a matter of fact, i should send her my number. She informs me that seeing as she is much older and richer, she wants to be the one doing the calling (with her caller ID hidden). WOW!!!.

I don't know what to say so i put up the customary protest of course, but she is insistent. She seals the deal by telling me of a very nasty experience she had with another younger guy who turned out to be a gold digger and was always bothering her on the phone.

People, that's how the phone talks started o. Turns out she's very fun and whenever she calls, we actually have great laughs. Her number was always hidden so i really never had any chance to call her back. She's raunchy too (which i like) and sometimes i have to make sure i'm alone while taking her calls so i can respond..lol.

This goes on for weeks and i decide to take the bull by the horns and ask for us to meet. Her reaction is like....NO.
I'm a bit baffled, seeing as everything is going on well and even though this is not relationship territory, it's most certainly hookup land. I start to wonder and ask her point blank if there's any challenge to us meeting or she's not interested that way. She tells me there isn't but that she's just comfortable the way we are right now. (Hmmm indeed!!)

I decide not to push it and we go on like this for a couple of months. She even gives me her number and when i feel like it, i call her as well. This is new for me and its fun.

After all the initial gra gra, this weird online/phone relationship starts to fizzle out on both our parts. Even though i cant say why, it's not really as hot as it was initially.
Then one fateful evening, she calls me, sounding very hesitant and shy and tells me she's going to send me a few of her pictures and i can decide what i want after that.

hmmm...interesting.

She gives me another number of hers and i add her up on Whatsapp. Soon after,i get a series of pictures and a very long message.

Screeeeeeechhh. HOLD UP!
Now i can see why she's never wanted us to meet physically.

Jumoke is HUGE!! as in really obese (and not in an attractive way). Her message below the pics contain an invite to an orgy!!!! HERE IN LAGOS!!!!

She tells me she has some friends in one "swingers club" who are coming in from Canada and would like to meet up with several Nigerians interested in a private orgy!.

Meeehn...i know i can be crazy and wild, but abeg, this one pass me.

I haven't responded to her and we haven't spoken since the ending of June.

Just one of them days...

Hi Guys,

You know what? Some days are not just it.

It's Thursday morning in the office, i'm just minding my own business and trying to force the minions in my head to let me be. I have work piled up and i'm trying to get it out of the way.

Peace, (my very good friend who i am currently having one of those "not-yet-defined"/ "its complicated" relationships) calls me on the intercom.

"Okey bobo, how far?

" Sweetie..i'm fine. Any better?"

"are you very busy? this one you're sounding distracted"

"Babes, leave me naa..i get work to do"

"Yeye. See ehn, there's this stuff i saw on Linda Ikeji and i know you'll want to attend"

"You're on Linda Ikeji by 10.20 in the morning??"

"abeg abeg abeg, just check it out. You'll thank me later. It was just posted"

and that's how, ladies and gentlemen, i find myself looking at an advert for a Singles programme tagged "Love is not enough". I don't even give it a second glance and get back to work.

Later during the day,(during one of those periods at work where you've done all you can and just want to chill but you're still looking at your computer screen and tapping your keyboard like you're working? lol..) , the minion that controls my crazy thoughts and makes me do stupid stuff was pounding on my brain, jumping up and down and insisting i check it out again. So i open up the advert and read through. First, It doesn't look like a bad gig as its being held at the very classy Oriental hotel, and then i notice something i missed the first time, its absolutely FREE.

Hmmmm.....i've seen programs like this where they charge you an outrageous sum to come and “mingle with singles”, only to flop terribly either because everyone there's all snooty or the organizers don't know what they're doing or just flop generally. Anyway, my minion is doing cartwheels and i'm like ...okay...what's the worst that can come out of it? worst come to worst (Is that even good English?), i won't even bother showing up depending on how i feel  and since its free to boot...

I download the entry participant form, fill the required fields and quickly click submit so my minion can stop humping the wall in joy.

As the fates would have it, i get an email about an hour later from one of the companies i applied for a job with , informing me that i've been invited for an interview by 12.30 pm on the same Saturday as the singles event was to hold.

It's a no contest as to which one to attend. (The other minions are now holding their crazy friend from jumping off a bridge in despair).

To cap a crazy day off,  i get another email by COB from the organizers informing me i'm among the elite few to be selected for the program and i should kindly find attached a gate pass to the event at the Oriental Hotel by 4.00 pm on Saturday.

Since both venues are within the same area in Victoria Island,  i make a quick decision that if the  interview goes well and ends on time, i might find myself going for the show but if not, head on home to rest for the weekend.

Alas, on the fateful day, the interview went well. So well, that a few of us were asked to wait back to have a chat with the CEO. To cut a long story short, we finished everything around 5 pm. I was thinking of just heading on home but (as my minion was literally on its knees) i decided to pop in and see if the event was still going on.

So i nose Susie (Yeah, she's fully back now but that's another story for another post) onto Lekki-Epe expressway and into Oriental hotel. Oriental is a 4 star hotel, very classy with all the works and my Susie is seriously looking out of place beside the luxury cars there. Anyway, class is relative so i square my shoulders, straighten my tie and locate the venue of the hall.

The ushers outside assure me i'm not entirely late so, i present my pass, they inspect it, hand me a form and i step in.

My Goodness!!!

You can literally smell the estrogen in the air and my wicked minions are already leaping for joy.

A quick survey from my place at the entrance shows that the place is packed full with a male - female ratio of approximately 1 : 3. No kidding.

I quickly scan for a good place (with lovely babes obviously) to sit, but there's nowhere available at first glance. This is awkward. I'm the only one standing , The guy up front on the podium is going on about the how sex makes marriages work and i'm now desperately looking for a seat when two ladies beckon to me to join their table.

Alas, i'm too relieved to get a seat to notice that the table i rush to is full of "matured" single women in their late thirties and early forties. Oh God!!!.I know the program indicated 28 and above as the age range for the participants but this is ridiculous. I'm surrounded by, well, average looking ladies who are obviously not spring chickens anymore. Sigh.

Its a table for about 12 and we're only three guys there. I don't even need to start up the conversation. The one beside me, Esther took charge and made introductions. My charm minion takes over and i start engaging them in conversation.

I don't mean to sound conceited but after just 20 minutes, i want to BAIL!!!.

Its a total disaster!. My expectations coming here are to meet single, professional, witty, intelligent babes who, (might as well just admit it) also wouldn't mind hooking up, with something a bit more serious coming later on .

As far as this goes, its a total bust.

Esther and another lady Prisca are trying very hard to get my undivided attention but to put it very mildly, they're most definitely not going to get any nomination to a beauty competition. While im trying to keep the gist flowing, they jump from one silly topic to another until i want to choke myself. And the really hard part of it is that they’re so bloody persistent. I can barely even get a word in to anyone else and i honestly think of abandoning my gentleman principles and telling them to fuck off.

Apparently, one is an aspiring entrepreneur who is looking for someone to sponsor her fashion house while the other , who is currently looking for a job is very glad to tell me very personal details of her brother’s wife who is causing issues in their family. Esther is really forward and asks me immediately for my phone number and BBM Pin.
 I’m too surprised to resist or refuse and i meekly surrender them over to her.

I manage to sneak a glance at the form in front of her and see the D.O.B(which, even though the form specified only Month and date, she had added the year ) and i cringe when i see she’s 6 years older. It’s not long before i start desperately looking around and i see some lovely looking girls at a far off table already being corralled by some hustlers. Unfortunately, all the seats in the hall are taken and i’m forced to drag my attention back when Prisca laughs and asks me why my “mind is not here”. Lord!

I take the easy way out and tell them i’m expecting a call back from my earlier interview to which they start quoting scripture and telling me it will be favorable for me IJN.

About 15 minutes later, the MC, a very jovial guy announces an upcoming couples game which is to be held table-by-table. WHAAT?!!!

I quickly take a fake phone call, excuse myself from the trauma table and head straight for the exit without a backwards glance. Outside the huge doors, I turn round and sigh in relief as i realize i’m not being followed.

It’s that kind of day! Even the lovely ushers that were outside earlier had all gone.

I waste no more time and head for the parking lot. Locating Susie is even more traumatic as i got lost about three times before seeing her.

Driving back home, i try to reflect on the day’s events and conclude.

Some days just no be am at all...